Someone pulled the plug..I’m drained

Much like watching the water spiral and go down the drain, I can feel all my energy and general spark being drained from my body. Most of it gone and what little is left is telling me to go to sleep and forget about the world for a while.

I despise feeling this way and rarely know where to start to try to understand why?? Why I let myself feel this way- Why I get so worked up- Why I’m not brave enough to stop doing the same thing over and over- Why I am the way that I am??

I’ll start with the part of my day that sent me over the edge and go backwards from there.

I came home on my break between schools which turned out to be the biggest mistake of the day. Even though my husband had snowblowed the 8 heavy, wet inches of snow in the driveway, it continues to fall and make more of a mess. I had 20 minutes to drive about 3 miles to the school but I spent 20+ being stuck in my driveway! I shoveled under my tires, I put rock salt near my tires, I called my sister and my husband, I cried, I called the school to tell them I was stuck and would be there a.s.a.p. (to bad the school secretarty-designated bitch of the building answered and made me feel more like shit) and then I called my sister again and told her to please head from where she was to get me. So 20 mins. into class, with teary eyes and a stuffy nose, I approach the school. I called my husband one last time to see if he could pick me and our daughter up a couple hours later (but he just “couldn’t get away” grrr!) so my sister agreed to come back and I walked to my classroom looking and feeling like a big, cry-baby fool.

When getting back home my husband called and I told him my sister brought us home and casually and calmly mentioned that we really should get someone to do our driveway on a regular basis like we used to.

Apparently I’d already used up all his patience (we all know how he can’t “deal” with me when I’m upset) because I was met with hostility at my suggestion and a “I’ll fucking be home after work to do it.” I was in no way blaming him and had already said this before his explosion. I should be used to this by now. Better yet, I should be gone and over this by now. I hung up on him and haven’t answered the call he returned to me or listened to the voice mail he sent me.

I’m drained. The plugs been pulled. Like the movie “The Incredible Shrinking Woman”, I’m going down the drain. Only I’m not yelling for help or fighting it. Maybe the pipes are better than the pool of water I’ve been sitting in.

Thinking while blogging, people can’t be defined

In thinking of all the ways I classify myself, I also think of how I choose to reveal only certain aspects of who I feel I am to different people. I believe I try to read the person I’m talking to in search of how much they can handle. And then there are situations or places where I put on a certain persona to everyone I see there. The reasons vary from wanting to fit in, ideciding if it’s socially acceptable in the particular environment, sharing my personal life on a need to know basis etc. Even though I may have 15 personas (just a random guess), I like to think that I am not lying to anybody about who I am.

It is all me. Every one of my masks if you will is non-judgemental, compassionate, caring, sensitive, unconfident and spiritual.

People really can’t be defined according to groups they identify with. People are very complex (as we well know). Can we ever really completely know a person? Do we even really completely know ourselves? I think we hope to keep learning ourselves and I know that we are constantly changing according to our experiences and thoughts.

If you like a person, do you like them because of their personal qualities?

non-judgemental, compassionate, caring, sensitive, unconfident and spiritual

Or because of the groups they identify with?

Mother

Wife

Teacher

Christian

Dog Lover

Butterfly collector

Angel Believer

Has danced on a bar table

Donates to many charities

Book lover

Music lover

Has been unfaithful

Is bisexual

Afraid of mice

Likes to Crochet

Likes to Cross-stitch

What if you share 10 of the 15 groups with this friend but then suddenly find out that there are another 5 that you don’t identify with or feel are wrong?

Do you still like this person or does it change your opinion?

For every person, there would be a different answer to this question so I’m not really posing these questions. In fact I really don’t know what my point is…lol…I guess I’m just thinking out loud.

Day 4-I lost my head

Our last full day at OLCC wasn’t what I hoped it would be.  I woke up to both the kids in our villa. Well the girls were inside and the two boys were outside fishing again. We ran out a couple of times to take pics of their fish and again we were just so happy that everyone was actually treating eachother with kindness (like family especially should).

After not too long, Kev came in pouting and saying Justin was yelling at him. We weren’t real alarmed as Kev has a short fuse and we figure that Kev probably deserved it. Mom went to the driving range and then my 2 cousins (the parents) asked took Rissa to the lazy river and said they’d meet us there. The rest of us were showering and not yet ready to go. 

Over the past few days Mom and I were desperately calling the airline to try to make it so we could all go home on the same flight. Originally Al wasn’t going so when I made the reservation, I could get us the same day but not same flight. Mom didn’t want to take two trips to the airport (10 am and 8 pm) and I was getting more and more anxious about flying just me and the kids.  We hadn’t had any luck and it was making me just edgy for lack of a better word.

It was getting hotter and the sun was out so I was itching to go to the pool and meet everyone but needed to wait for Mom to get back from the driving range. I was very relieved to finally get to the pool. We met up with Riss, my cousins and some friends of theirs (a couple and twin 13 year old boys). The woman they were with was very friendly and chatty and she is also a teacher so we were gabbing for a while. As a matter of fact, we chatted so much that I lost track of where Kev was in the pool area. We all took off looking for him frantically and I was the one to spy him. Actually he found me with the help of a real nice family that said they found him a little disoriented in another part of the pool. We were lucky to have our little, scared boy back and a lesson was learned.  He wanted to get a tattoo so we walked over but there was a 30 min. wait and then he wouldn’t be able to swim for a while after that. So he settled for getting some lunch and a soda near the pool. After a while, the girls (11 and 14) went to play in the nearby sand and hammocks and asked Kev to come with them. I knew they would take care of him. So even though the sun had a long time ago gone back in, I was starting to relax and socialize again. When all of a sudden, we hear Kev come back crying. One of the 13 yr. old twins was a bit ahead of him and we see Kev trying to hit him! We had no idea what was going on and both Al and I jumped up to the rescue and pulled Kev away from this teen who was now yelling “What did I do?” The girls were shortly after and were trying to give us some information while both boys were still yelling. Well when it came down to it, Kev turned and I saw the biggest welt going across his whole back that I had ever seen in my life! It extended at least 8 inches and it was very raised! And to top it all off, Kev thought the 13 yr. old boy did it, but it turned out to be his cousin Justin (12) that had done it. He had thrown as hard as he could a hard plastic rocket at Kevin’s back just to be a show off. Well he comes up ignoring the fact that Kev is crying and what really ticked me off was that he had a huge smile on his face and was giggling! Man my blood pressure just boiled and I said to his Mom “Look at what Justin just did to Kevin! He’s got a huge welt on my back!”. I expected that she would discipline him and that the smile would be wiped off his smug face and when it didn’t happen, I flipped a lid! Mother’s instincts I guess- nobody messes with my kids! I raised my voice angrily and said to him “Look what you have done to your cousin! What are you smiling about? He loves you to death and this is what you do?? You know he idolizes you! He’s 7 and you are 12!” . By this time he had started to cry a little and sorry if I’m horrible but I was glad the smile was off his face. His Mom looked at me like I was the devil and I just continued in my rage “Good, you should cry after what you’ve done to him!”. Then Al decided to take Kev in the cold water to make the welt go down a bit and I followed because I knew I needed to cool down a bit! After about 30 minutes in the pool as a family, and his welts only slightly smaller, we decided it was time to get out. Al made Kev do the right thing and apologize to the teen who wasn’t actually responsible for Kev’s back. He walked right over and apologized and so did the 13 year old, but I heard not a thing from Justin. This kept me enraged and memories of my childhood and being bullied around by Justin’s father came back to me and I remember why for years I hadn’t wanted to go to OLCC.

I just allowed it to consume me and I’m not happy necessarily with how I reacted. I couldn’t bring myself to even say “see you later” to my cousins before we left and they said nothing either even though they were originally our ride home. My Mom came to get us and bring us back to my Grandparent’s villa and I just closed myself in the bedroom. I sat alone with my hurt and anger. I tried to read for a while and just get it out of my mind but I couldn’t. The tears kept coming to my eyes and eventually I rolled over and was going to nap. My Mom came in and I pushed her away. My husband came in and I pushed him away. I was almost asleep when there was a small knock on the door. It was Justin’s mom (my cousin’s wife). She said “Gwen are you sleeping?” I said with a creaky voice “Just resting.” She didn’t open the door but just said “I just wanted to let you know that Justing apologized to Kevin.” I simply said “Thank you.” and her “You’re welcome”. I felt slightly better but it was enough to make me feel extremely depressed for the rest of the evening. We were originally all going to Disney Village that night but needless to say plans changed. Everyone went in different directions and we ended up going with my mom for the crappiest dinner in history that did not settle right with me.

I went to bed knowing that tomorrow morning we would be leaving OLCC and going back to my Mom and Dad’s for our true last day of vacation (even though I let myself end it in my mind before this). I chose to let this ruin my vacation. I need to stop giving people this power over me. Recognizing it is the first step.

Give me a break-I need it

Last night and this morning I was feeling that “off” feeling that usually starts when I’ve missed some of my meds, but I haven’t. I think it’s just the fact that it’s almost time for Winter Break and even though people think we have way too many vacations, let me just say from experience that…

We Really Need Them

I was feeling this way before Christmas vacation too and then I felt very refreshed upon coming back to work. That feeling has basically lasted up until now so I hope that after this holiday week coming up, I will again be ready with some energy and creativity to put into my work.

Unfortunately (as I had suspected would happen) Kev came home with his first ever spelling test today and he only got 4/10 correct. I got really upset but I didn’t say anything to him right away. I waited until I calmed down. All last week, I made him read the list with me, practice with me. He was annoyed and resisted and didn’t give it his best effort. Last night I even made little flash cards with a little case and on one side I put blanks like hang man to help him practice spelling them by himself. This week I have to get even tougher with him. I started tonight. I made him copy the 6 words he got wrong and I told him if he complained, he’d do them each twice and so on.  Then since he was out yesterday, we had to read a story out of their Reader and she gave a packet of 2 pages about the reading and another 2 pages on telling time. (Holy Crap! First grade is getting hard! My opinion on this another time) I must complain though that this reader was 21 pages long!! Granted there are pictures and stuff but I still think that is a long first grade reading. He was only out of school one day. So we read all 21 pages (he and I taking turns reading) and he did one page of the packet. Then we were both tired and needed a break quite frankly!

The more I notice cycles..

The more I notice how I have absolutely great days and then days when I can barely get out of bed, the more I think maybe I really am bipolar. But then I think about people like poor Britney Spears in the news and say I couldn’t possibly have it if that is what it looks like. I have mood swings but not that big, but then again…stars do everything bigger.

This week I was in a great mood from Mon. to Wed., then I had one ok day, 2 bad days and today is an ok day.

Free thought

Something’s bothering me today. I’m not as positive as I have been every other day this week. I thought I would blog it out and then try to let it go, remembering tomorrow is a new day!

I woke up in an alright mood dispite not sleeping well last night. At 3:30 I was t0tally awake. I ate a cereal bar for breakfast and headed to work. The students were at their wost today unfortunately and it started right away in my first class where they are usually the highlight of my day. The classes got more unruly from here (all down hill I’d say). Then my mentor wanted to discuss my observation from the a.p. after my classes were over. I didn’t feel like it but said yes of course. Then as usual…she forgot me and I had to come hunting her down. She was happy about what the a.p. said about my lesson but also added a reccomendation of her own. She noted that she’s seen me sometimes end the class like 3 mins. early and she explained why I shouldn’t. It’s no big deal and usually I’m good at accepting constructive criticism, but I just wasn’t today. I wanted to stay positive and after this meeting (in addition to the way the classes went) I just couldn’t.

So I came home for a quick lunch of Healthy Choice soup and went back to work at the other school. It was much of the same even though I had already changed plans to something I thought they’d be more cooperative with since yesterday’s lesson went crummy. I was trying to give them a break since they had state testing in the morning.

I started changing sheets and mopping floors the minute I got home. I had noticed how filthy the house was when I came home to eat. I just threw in some laundry and here I sit, wanting to feel better like I have in recent days.

It hasn’t happened yet LOL

Must be I have more dirt to get rid of inside of me…

I’m disappointed that I really am getting less and less comfortable expressing myself on my other blog. There is one person in particular whose comments on my articles are getting me down. It’s not that the person is saying anything necessarily bad but I can just tell he/she doesn’t understand and I write for myself first and to connect with people who understand second.

I’m sick of my husband being gone almost every night. I’m sick of feeling like I have to take care of the whole household and kids by myself every night. It’s bad enough that he works his regular job until about 6:30 but then he works after work as well. I’ve even accepted that he does this but the part that really ticks me off is when he says that he’s NOT working on a particular night and then still doesn’t get home until after 8:00.

Reflections of the week so far

I’ve had a very good, positive week so far. I’ve been making wise food choices (90% of the time). Monday I did an aerobic video and yesterday I did a weight routine and push ups. I’m trying to stick to not eating past 7:00 and most nights it’s not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I’m also trying to not skip meals anymore. Today I missed lunch though but I’ll be back on track with 3 small meals tomorrow.

I had an observation yesterday and in my post observation today, my supervisor had all good things to say to me. It was such a great feeling. I continue to connect with more and more students each day. He called this time of year “Pay-off time” and I couldn’t agree more. In other words, since Sept. I have been building relationships with these kids and teaching them. It took a half of year, but I’m finally starting to see the results of my persistence not only in their achievement but also in their attitudes.

My Mom still thinks I should go to the surgery consult. She thinks that my weight is 90% of the reason for my depression. I really don’t agree that it’s that big of a role. It does play a role but not that much. If I had to list reasons for my depression in order of big affect to small, they would be:

1. Chemical (Nature- both my sister and my Mom suffer or have from depression and are on meds)
2. My marriage (I’ll leave this one as is for no, no need to explain)
3. My belief in myself (this is where weight would come into play along with self-esteem and other related garb)
4. My job as both teacher and parent (lacking the ability to be authoritative- Possibly caused by #3)

Thoughts for the morning

It’s Saturday morning and I had the pleasure of waking up to an overdue credit card bill (lovely!). So I got up before 9:00 and paid as many bills as my pay check allowed and then brought Marissa to dance. I am looking around at a very dirty house and trying to get motivated to clean it (once again). I love a clean smelling house and I love the way it looks when it’s clean but man it really is such a “Groundhog Day” (the movie) experience. Seems every day I wake up to the same dirty house no matter how much cleaning I do. And the kids always want friends over on the weekends but I certainly don’t feel comfortable letting them have anyone over while their rooms and the rest of the house are disgusting.

Pauly (the small pug) got sick last night in my bed! Yuck! They’re just as bad as my kids (or worse)! Molly (the Boston)really needs a bath too. I didn’t bathe her when I bathed the pugs last and she is just not smelling good. I sometimes have a very sensitive sense of smell, especially when I’m due for my TOM. I think I’m due… I don’t really keep track and am pretty irregular anyway but I don’t have to worry about getting pregnant so I’m not really a “tracker”. However I have been getting a cyst-like sore every month at the time of my period and the sore has arrived.

Me and the kids went to my sister’s and had pizza last night with her before I brought Riss to Teen Town at the school. It was sooo foggy last night. I lucked out in the sense that my husband went to get her at 9:00 and I didn’t have to go back out.

I will be having two observations this week at school so I will be glad when they are over. I know that I don’t really have anything to get nervous about but it still does put a person on edge to have someone observing and critiquing your teaching, especially when I am not a self-confident person (as you all know).

I made an appointment for a consultation about weight loss surgery a few weeks ago and the appointment is Tuesday about 45 mins. away from my house. I’m having doubts about going now for a few reasons and I’m still not sure if I will cancel on Monday or bite the bullet and finish what I started. Obviously my original reasons for wanting to have the Lap-band surgery are that I really need to get my eating and weight under control for health reasons, self-esteem reasons, to be a better parent and a role model to my children and students.

But I really don’t want to take the day off from work when I am just starting to feel comfortable (on a roll) and I’ve already been out quite a few days. And I really don’t want to drive to this unknown town to find this medical facility by myself like I would need to do. Then I was talking to a girl who had the surgery and it got me thinking deeper. She had to be on a liquid diet for a month prior to the surgery and now it has been 3 months since her surgery and she still can’t have any bread, pasta, rice etc.  So I’m thinking to myself first off, if I had faith in myself to be able to go on a liquid diet for a month and then eat no carbs for the next 3-4 months, wouldn’t I lose the weight I needed to anyways? So why go through risky surgery, pain and loss of work time to put myself through the same thing?

I know I have to fix me! But is surgery the best choice and answer for now? Should I give myself another chance to conquer what’s “eating me” without going under a knife? I haven’t been perfect since the New Year but I definitely think I have been pretty good, much better than prior to the New Year. I have been trying to not skip meals (only once did I skip lunch this week). I’ve also been trying to not eat for at least 3 hours before bed since night time snacking has been a big issue with me for a long time. I think I may have broken this rule twice this week but certainly did not gorge myself like I once would have. I haven’t been able to bring myself to exercise yet though. I know this is the biggest step and will make the food part much easier but I just haven’t done it yet.

Does anyone has any book recommendations of the Self- help or diet type that really helped you?

Healing

Many of us use our blog as a healing tool and through this we find ourselves having many ups and downs. Yes, it seems we write more about the down times This is when we need the listening ear that blogging provides.

During the downs I think it’s easy to think that we are backtracking, getting worse, not healing. I try to remember that healing is not a linear process, but rather a cyclic one. But it’s difficult to do at times.

I wonder why and how I can be so happy and positive last week and then feel lousy by the weekend and just horrible today. I feel like two different people when this happens. The Good Gwen and The Bad Gwen. The Gwen people like and the Gwen people have trouble “tolerating”. I know I like the Gwen from last week a lot better too.

I told myself that the next time this happened I would remember that it was only a day, one day, and that most likely tomorrow would be completely different and better. I told myself and I listened and I mostly believe it but there is that one lingering negative thought in the back of my head that I won’t type nor say out loud.

glitter-graphics.com
http://www.trueimage.name
END OF ROPE

Oh, my God,
I truly am at the end
Of my very short rope,
But I know that this is good
Because now
I need to hang onto
Your infinite one!

I am finally willing
To surrender my way
To Your Way
Because mine
Doesn’t work.

- – -

I am listening

- – - – -

In the silence
I hear the Voice
Of the tender Mother
I hear Her gently telling me
To just love
And leave the rest in Her Care.

I did as told
And wasn’t surprised
When I saw the sun rise
Full of warmth
Bathing all in the golden Light
Of HER glory.

And I was healed.

AMEN

Sunday blabberings

After being on such a positive high earlier in the week, I’m feeling a little more neutral today. Not down, just not as high as I was. I haven’t blogged in a few days. It hasn’t been for lack of time or wanting to, but the words just aren’t coming easy. I don’t really know how I feel and feelings are what I write about for the most part. My mind today is very noisy and I guess so are my surroundings (kids, dogs). Sometimes I can block it all out but today is the kind of day I really just crave silence and solitude.

Earlier I went to go do a little work in my office, but got distracted by the mess the kids had left all through the stairway, hallway, bathroom, their rooms!!! UGGGHHHH!!! So an hour after I went to do a little work, I hadn’t stepped foot into my office and was in a real ugly mood.

My husband came home from doing some work and we had pizza for lunch. Then I helped him take our first real tree down and out to the yard to get ready to go to the dump. Do you know that tree was still green and beautiful? I still believe it was a very special tree to go along with a most magical Christmas we had this year.

My son went back to work with my husband and my daughter has a friend over. So I’m not one less kid…it’s still chaotic and noisy here.

I have been extremely tired this weekend and I’m not sure why. I haven’t even stayed up late on either Friday or Saturday night like I usually do. Now that Christmas is over, I have no use for Winter or snow! I want Spring and sunshine to bring my energy back!

There have been words again this week between my husband and I that aren’t really anything new..but put me back closer to that negative place I get when I sit back and look at how unfulfilling my relationship with him is. The thing is I do love him and am afraid to be without him and yet deep down I feel that it is this negative relationship that holds me back from growing.

Uggghhh!! I wasn’t gonna go there…too late now..

I’ve been pondering thoughts about: