Someone pulled the plug..I’m drained

Much like watching the water spiral and go down the drain, I can feel all my energy and general spark being drained from my body. Most of it gone and what little is left is telling me to go to sleep and forget about the world for a while.

I despise feeling this way and rarely know where to start to try to understand why?? Why I let myself feel this way- Why I get so worked up- Why I’m not brave enough to stop doing the same thing over and over- Why I am the way that I am??

I’ll start with the part of my day that sent me over the edge and go backwards from there.

I came home on my break between schools which turned out to be the biggest mistake of the day. Even though my husband had snowblowed the 8 heavy, wet inches of snow in the driveway, it continues to fall and make more of a mess. I had 20 minutes to drive about 3 miles to the school but I spent 20+ being stuck in my driveway! I shoveled under my tires, I put rock salt near my tires, I called my sister and my husband, I cried, I called the school to tell them I was stuck and would be there a.s.a.p. (to bad the school secretarty-designated bitch of the building answered and made me feel more like shit) and then I called my sister again and told her to please head from where she was to get me. So 20 mins. into class, with teary eyes and a stuffy nose, I approach the school. I called my husband one last time to see if he could pick me and our daughter up a couple hours later (but he just “couldn’t get away” grrr!) so my sister agreed to come back and I walked to my classroom looking and feeling like a big, cry-baby fool.

When getting back home my husband called and I told him my sister brought us home and casually and calmly mentioned that we really should get someone to do our driveway on a regular basis like we used to.

Apparently I’d already used up all his patience (we all know how he can’t “deal” with me when I’m upset) because I was met with hostility at my suggestion and a “I’ll fucking be home after work to do it.” I was in no way blaming him and had already said this before his explosion. I should be used to this by now. Better yet, I should be gone and over this by now. I hung up on him and haven’t answered the call he returned to me or listened to the voice mail he sent me.

I’m drained. The plugs been pulled. Like the movie “The Incredible Shrinking Woman”, I’m going down the drain. Only I’m not yelling for help or fighting it. Maybe the pipes are better than the pool of water I’ve been sitting in.

Thinking while blogging, people can’t be defined

In thinking of all the ways I classify myself, I also think of how I choose to reveal only certain aspects of who I feel I am to different people. I believe I try to read the person I’m talking to in search of how much they can handle. And then there are situations or places where I put on a certain persona to everyone I see there. The reasons vary from wanting to fit in, ideciding if it’s socially acceptable in the particular environment, sharing my personal life on a need to know basis etc. Even though I may have 15 personas (just a random guess), I like to think that I am not lying to anybody about who I am.

It is all me. Every one of my masks if you will is non-judgemental, compassionate, caring, sensitive, unconfident and spiritual.

People really can’t be defined according to groups they identify with. People are very complex (as we well know). Can we ever really completely know a person? Do we even really completely know ourselves? I think we hope to keep learning ourselves and I know that we are constantly changing according to our experiences and thoughts.

If you like a person, do you like them because of their personal qualities?

non-judgemental, compassionate, caring, sensitive, unconfident and spiritual

Or because of the groups they identify with?

Mother

Wife

Teacher

Christian

Dog Lover

Butterfly collector

Angel Believer

Has danced on a bar table

Donates to many charities

Book lover

Music lover

Has been unfaithful

Is bisexual

Afraid of mice

Likes to Crochet

Likes to Cross-stitch

What if you share 10 of the 15 groups with this friend but then suddenly find out that there are another 5 that you don’t identify with or feel are wrong?

Do you still like this person or does it change your opinion?

For every person, there would be a different answer to this question so I’m not really posing these questions. In fact I really don’t know what my point is…lol…I guess I’m just thinking out loud.

Day 4-I lost my head

Our last full day at OLCC wasn’t what I hoped it would be.  I woke up to both the kids in our villa. Well the girls were inside and the two boys were outside fishing again. We ran out a couple of times to take pics of their fish and again we were just so happy that everyone was actually treating eachother with kindness (like family especially should).

After not too long, Kev came in pouting and saying Justin was yelling at him. We weren’t real alarmed as Kev has a short fuse and we figure that Kev probably deserved it. Mom went to the driving range and then my 2 cousins (the parents) asked took Rissa to the lazy river and said they’d meet us there. The rest of us were showering and not yet ready to go. 

Over the past few days Mom and I were desperately calling the airline to try to make it so we could all go home on the same flight. Originally Al wasn’t going so when I made the reservation, I could get us the same day but not same flight. Mom didn’t want to take two trips to the airport (10 am and 8 pm) and I was getting more and more anxious about flying just me and the kids.  We hadn’t had any luck and it was making me just edgy for lack of a better word.

It was getting hotter and the sun was out so I was itching to go to the pool and meet everyone but needed to wait for Mom to get back from the driving range. I was very relieved to finally get to the pool. We met up with Riss, my cousins and some friends of theirs (a couple and twin 13 year old boys). The woman they were with was very friendly and chatty and she is also a teacher so we were gabbing for a while. As a matter of fact, we chatted so much that I lost track of where Kev was in the pool area. We all took off looking for him frantically and I was the one to spy him. Actually he found me with the help of a real nice family that said they found him a little disoriented in another part of the pool. We were lucky to have our little, scared boy back and a lesson was learned.  He wanted to get a tattoo so we walked over but there was a 30 min. wait and then he wouldn’t be able to swim for a while after that. So he settled for getting some lunch and a soda near the pool. After a while, the girls (11 and 14) went to play in the nearby sand and hammocks and asked Kev to come with them. I knew they would take care of him. So even though the sun had a long time ago gone back in, I was starting to relax and socialize again. When all of a sudden, we hear Kev come back crying. One of the 13 yr. old twins was a bit ahead of him and we see Kev trying to hit him! We had no idea what was going on and both Al and I jumped up to the rescue and pulled Kev away from this teen who was now yelling “What did I do?” The girls were shortly after and were trying to give us some information while both boys were still yelling. Well when it came down to it, Kev turned and I saw the biggest welt going across his whole back that I had ever seen in my life! It extended at least 8 inches and it was very raised! And to top it all off, Kev thought the 13 yr. old boy did it, but it turned out to be his cousin Justin (12) that had done it. He had thrown as hard as he could a hard plastic rocket at Kevin’s back just to be a show off. Well he comes up ignoring the fact that Kev is crying and what really ticked me off was that he had a huge smile on his face and was giggling! Man my blood pressure just boiled and I said to his Mom “Look at what Justin just did to Kevin! He’s got a huge welt on my back!”. I expected that she would discipline him and that the smile would be wiped off his smug face and when it didn’t happen, I flipped a lid! Mother’s instincts I guess- nobody messes with my kids! I raised my voice angrily and said to him “Look what you have done to your cousin! What are you smiling about? He loves you to death and this is what you do?? You know he idolizes you! He’s 7 and you are 12!” . By this time he had started to cry a little and sorry if I’m horrible but I was glad the smile was off his face. His Mom looked at me like I was the devil and I just continued in my rage “Good, you should cry after what you’ve done to him!”. Then Al decided to take Kev in the cold water to make the welt go down a bit and I followed because I knew I needed to cool down a bit! After about 30 minutes in the pool as a family, and his welts only slightly smaller, we decided it was time to get out. Al made Kev do the right thing and apologize to the teen who wasn’t actually responsible for Kev’s back. He walked right over and apologized and so did the 13 year old, but I heard not a thing from Justin. This kept me enraged and memories of my childhood and being bullied around by Justin’s father came back to me and I remember why for years I hadn’t wanted to go to OLCC.

I just allowed it to consume me and I’m not happy necessarily with how I reacted. I couldn’t bring myself to even say “see you later” to my cousins before we left and they said nothing either even though they were originally our ride home. My Mom came to get us and bring us back to my Grandparent’s villa and I just closed myself in the bedroom. I sat alone with my hurt and anger. I tried to read for a while and just get it out of my mind but I couldn’t. The tears kept coming to my eyes and eventually I rolled over and was going to nap. My Mom came in and I pushed her away. My husband came in and I pushed him away. I was almost asleep when there was a small knock on the door. It was Justin’s mom (my cousin’s wife). She said “Gwen are you sleeping?” I said with a creaky voice “Just resting.” She didn’t open the door but just said “I just wanted to let you know that Justing apologized to Kevin.” I simply said “Thank you.” and her “You’re welcome”. I felt slightly better but it was enough to make me feel extremely depressed for the rest of the evening. We were originally all going to Disney Village that night but needless to say plans changed. Everyone went in different directions and we ended up going with my mom for the crappiest dinner in history that did not settle right with me.

I went to bed knowing that tomorrow morning we would be leaving OLCC and going back to my Mom and Dad’s for our true last day of vacation (even though I let myself end it in my mind before this). I chose to let this ruin my vacation. I need to stop giving people this power over me. Recognizing it is the first step.

Day 2-No sun

It can’t always be blue skies and butterflies!

But somehow this is what we expect during vacation. So the weather called for sunny and hot but it was sooo not! Therefore we were kinda wishing we would have went to Disney. It wasn’t a total loss though. The cousins played very well together. The girls played tennis and the boys fished. My son was in his glory to be getting some attention from his cousin Justin (12- same grade as Riss). Even though these guys live only a mile from us, we barely see them for reasons that will appear more clearly in an upcoming post. It was so cute at one point when Justin’s Dad said to him about something “That’s real smart!” Kev sticks up for him and says “He IS really smart. He taught me everything I know! Except for biking!” We all got a kick out of that and thought it was so cute. My Mom also brought Kev to the driving range and I guess he did really good. I stuck with miniature golf with my cousins and was really surprised that I did so well. I was just getting lucky shot after shot and it was kinda funny cuz I usually really stink at it! Justin ended up quitting because he was losing and said I was cheating. I laughed it off knowing he’s just a poor sport, kid. His mom was laughing too.

Just as we thought it may be getting nice enough to go to the pool for a bit, it started sprinkling so we just sat at the villa for a while. I colored and visited with my grandparents. Then eventually we did go spend about an hour in the shady coolness at the pool.

We ate dinner in again and my Mom was tired and the kids wanted to stay and play with their cousins. So just Al and I went out and browsed some souvenir shops to pass the time. I got a cute pug key holder and a couple cute bracelets real cheap (one made of shell and the other two silver plated dolphins that come together at the top).

On this night the kids were invited to stay the night at my cousins villa and I was already thinking about vacation ending and going home. I’m a creature of habit I guess and if I’m not in the sun, it’s not vacation in Florida to me.

Day 2-OLCC

Tuesday morning we packed back up and drove to Orlando to stay with my grandparents at Orange Lakes Country Club, a beautiful resort (way too rich for my blood but not for the blood of most of my family members). Regardless I was really looking forward to going since this is a place I grew up visiting every February since I was 8 years old. It has changed so much but still has a way of making me feel so pampered. The villas are amazing, the pools are extravagent and I just love to be able to have a strawberry daquiri poolside. For me, this is Florida- this is vacation.

It was only about 60 or so but sunny and it always seems to feel hotter poolside! We went to the lazy river pool which is longer than any one I’ve seen at an amusement park. We rented the kids a double tube. I went in with them for a bit and then just layed out and listened to my music, read my book… LOVELY! By the end of the afternoon, Kev had gotten a rash from his bathing suit and even though we were inside a resort, the pool was still at least 3 miles from our villa so we couldn’t just easily walk back. So we had to wait for my Mom to get back from shopping to pick us up and it was a long hour while Kev cried and the kids fought.

After eating dinner that my Gram made and showering, we went to Old Town (another blast from my past). We looked around at a few shops and the rest of the gang rode go-carts and other rides. I played the carnival squirt gun game with Riss. She won a pink monkey. We were back home early, tired and in bed by 10:00. We got to see my cousins for a few minutes before bed. They had been to Sea World all day.

We had planned to use our free tix to Disney the next day but the kids decided to put it off to the next day (but then the next day decided they didn’t want to go at all…do you believe it??)

Day 1-my vacation

Our 6 day vacation has been a blur and I want to catch you all up on the life of *G* (lol) before I go back to work (ack!) tomorrow.

Monday morning we went to breakfast before getting ready to go to the airport. Our driveway was pure ice from all the weather while we were sick for what seemed to be forever. We were supposed to drop the 3 dogs off to my sister’s and I thought she was off of work. Turned out to be a big misunderstanding which turned into a huge fight between my sister and I on the morning of our trip. I tried calling her cell and house phone and when I didn’t get an answer I left a message that I would leave the dogs to be picked up at sometime later in their cages at my house. This made my sis very mad (I guess she was already having a bad day) so we turned back around from our trip to the airport and brought the dogs and their cage to her house. Both she and my BIL hung up on me so I was very upset and crying most of my way to the airport. In the emotional state I had already been in, I was just feeling like everyone hated me and I was wishing that I was just back here in my bed with my blog friends. Then I just couldn’t wait to get on the plane and be on my way. I was fine at the airport and then after I took Riss to the bathroom, suddenly a panic attack came over me and I had no control. It was actually pretty embarrassing as I couldn’t breathe, was coughing like a maniac, tears running down my eyes, trying to make it stop by sipping water from a water fountain near by. I managed to ask Riss to go get me some paper towel and I chewed up an anxiety pill. After what seemed like an eternity, I was okay to walk further and go through the security gate. My husband stayed away from me which made me sad that he didn’t try to help but instead made me feel like I was embarrassing him.

So we were ready for our flight which should have left at 12:55 but couldn’t land to pick us up until 40 minutes later due to fog. I sat with Riss on the plane and Al sat with Kev. They had dramamine so we didn’t have repeat episodes of motion sickness. The flight was fine, even though we arrived almost an hour late. My mom was real worried and very relieved to hear our voice. It took no time at all to get our bags and another 40 minute drive brought us to my Mom and Dad’s house in Winterhaven. Dad made us reservations and we went out for a yummy dinner which was fabulous since we hadn’t eaten since breakfast.

This pretty much ended our first day of vacation (travel). I slept in till about 9:30 the next morning.

to be continued…

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Give me a break-I need it

Last night and this morning I was feeling that “off” feeling that usually starts when I’ve missed some of my meds, but I haven’t. I think it’s just the fact that it’s almost time for Winter Break and even though people think we have way too many vacations, let me just say from experience that…

We Really Need Them

I was feeling this way before Christmas vacation too and then I felt very refreshed upon coming back to work. That feeling has basically lasted up until now so I hope that after this holiday week coming up, I will again be ready with some energy and creativity to put into my work.

Unfortunately (as I had suspected would happen) Kev came home with his first ever spelling test today and he only got 4/10 correct. I got really upset but I didn’t say anything to him right away. I waited until I calmed down. All last week, I made him read the list with me, practice with me. He was annoyed and resisted and didn’t give it his best effort. Last night I even made little flash cards with a little case and on one side I put blanks like hang man to help him practice spelling them by himself. This week I have to get even tougher with him. I started tonight. I made him copy the 6 words he got wrong and I told him if he complained, he’d do them each twice and so on.  Then since he was out yesterday, we had to read a story out of their Reader and she gave a packet of 2 pages about the reading and another 2 pages on telling time. (Holy Crap! First grade is getting hard! My opinion on this another time) I must complain though that this reader was 21 pages long!! Granted there are pictures and stuff but I still think that is a long first grade reading. He was only out of school one day. So we read all 21 pages (he and I taking turns reading) and he did one page of the packet. Then we were both tired and needed a break quite frankly!

If I knew I couldn’t fail

written on Feb. 2nd :

 I’ve seen this saying in a couple places and it just came to my mind as a good free writing topic starter.

If I knew I couldn’t fail I would move out on my own with the kids into a cute little apartment, just big enough to be cozy for the three of us. I’d join the YMCA with the kids and go at least 3 days or nights a week. It would be healthy, quality time for all of us. I would sign Kev up for Tae Kwon Do on the days that Sis goes to dance. The kids would visit their dad 2 nights a week and he would take them every other weekend. I would make good use out of the time I had to myself. I’d connect with old friends and make new ones. I’d learn how to do dance. I’d take ceramics classes. I’d bring my dogs to training classes and show them off. I’d learn how to cook healthy foods that the kids (and I) really liked. I’d bring the kids to the park and play with them. We’d play soccer and basketball. We’d ride our bikes and practice running around the track. I’d spend more time with my sister. We’d have weekly dinners together. In the Summer when my parents and grandparents are in NY, I’d spend more time with them too. I’d go camping in the Summer time enjoying nature with friends and family.

if only the rain meant that the flowers were close behind

We have had sooo much rain this Winter. It’s another dreary, wet day. If only it meant that Spring was just around the corner! That would be awesome! But for a NY Winter we still have two more months with good possibilities of snow.

All that being said, the rain has not got me down today. The clouds are smiling at me and the rain isn’t made of tears. I had an awesome sleep last night and my day has been sweet. I was dreading meeting with my Mentor about the observation she did of me last week, because I’m always thinking the worst of myself.  But I couldn’t have been more wrong. She comes across as the “perfect teacher” and many new teachers are intimidated by her, but she had great things to say about me. I know many of you are going to say “I told you so” because you are all so kind and always say that you just “know” I’m a good teacher. For me though, I am always surprised to hear it. No matter how many people say it, I never get used to it. I always feel like “they’re going to find me out” and realize that I’ve been fooling people into thinking I was a good teacher all along.

So I thanked her so much and then I was mentioning what a cool feeling it was to be standing in the very building where I learned to speak Spanish from 9th to 12th grade. Unlike many Spanish teachers, I have no relatives who speak the language nor have I studied abroad.  I am truly a “product” of the school where I now teach and send my children (with of course my college studies). So she came up with a great idea and said I should be a guest speaker at the next Spanish Honor Society Meeting in March. She wants me to tell my story to inspire others. I’ll be very nervous but I’m excited about it as well. I’m going to have to think of a basic speech about what I’d like to say to them.

Free thought

Something’s bothering me today. I’m not as positive as I have been every other day this week. I thought I would blog it out and then try to let it go, remembering tomorrow is a new day!

I woke up in an alright mood dispite not sleeping well last night. At 3:30 I was t0tally awake. I ate a cereal bar for breakfast and headed to work. The students were at their wost today unfortunately and it started right away in my first class where they are usually the highlight of my day. The classes got more unruly from here (all down hill I’d say). Then my mentor wanted to discuss my observation from the a.p. after my classes were over. I didn’t feel like it but said yes of course. Then as usual…she forgot me and I had to come hunting her down. She was happy about what the a.p. said about my lesson but also added a reccomendation of her own. She noted that she’s seen me sometimes end the class like 3 mins. early and she explained why I shouldn’t. It’s no big deal and usually I’m good at accepting constructive criticism, but I just wasn’t today. I wanted to stay positive and after this meeting (in addition to the way the classes went) I just couldn’t.

So I came home for a quick lunch of Healthy Choice soup and went back to work at the other school. It was much of the same even though I had already changed plans to something I thought they’d be more cooperative with since yesterday’s lesson went crummy. I was trying to give them a break since they had state testing in the morning.

I started changing sheets and mopping floors the minute I got home. I had noticed how filthy the house was when I came home to eat. I just threw in some laundry and here I sit, wanting to feel better like I have in recent days.

It hasn’t happened yet LOL

Must be I have more dirt to get rid of inside of me…

I’m disappointed that I really am getting less and less comfortable expressing myself on my other blog. There is one person in particular whose comments on my articles are getting me down. It’s not that the person is saying anything necessarily bad but I can just tell he/she doesn’t understand and I write for myself first and to connect with people who understand second.

I’m sick of my husband being gone almost every night. I’m sick of feeling like I have to take care of the whole household and kids by myself every night. It’s bad enough that he works his regular job until about 6:30 but then he works after work as well. I’ve even accepted that he does this but the part that really ticks me off is when he says that he’s NOT working on a particular night and then still doesn’t get home until after 8:00.