Thinking while blogging, people can’t be defined

In thinking of all the ways I classify myself, I also think of how I choose to reveal only certain aspects of who I feel I am to different people. I believe I try to read the person I’m talking to in search of how much they can handle. And then there are situations or places where I put on a certain persona to everyone I see there. The reasons vary from wanting to fit in, ideciding if it’s socially acceptable in the particular environment, sharing my personal life on a need to know basis etc. Even though I may have 15 personas (just a random guess), I like to think that I am not lying to anybody about who I am.

It is all me. Every one of my masks if you will is non-judgemental, compassionate, caring, sensitive, unconfident and spiritual.

People really can’t be defined according to groups they identify with. People are very complex (as we well know). Can we ever really completely know a person? Do we even really completely know ourselves? I think we hope to keep learning ourselves and I know that we are constantly changing according to our experiences and thoughts.

If you like a person, do you like them because of their personal qualities?

non-judgemental, compassionate, caring, sensitive, unconfident and spiritual

Or because of the groups they identify with?

Mother

Wife

Teacher

Christian

Dog Lover

Butterfly collector

Angel Believer

Has danced on a bar table

Donates to many charities

Book lover

Music lover

Has been unfaithful

Is bisexual

Afraid of mice

Likes to Crochet

Likes to Cross-stitch

What if you share 10 of the 15 groups with this friend but then suddenly find out that there are another 5 that you don’t identify with or feel are wrong?

Do you still like this person or does it change your opinion?

For every person, there would be a different answer to this question so I’m not really posing these questions. In fact I really don’t know what my point is…lol…I guess I’m just thinking out loud.

Give me a break-I need it

Last night and this morning I was feeling that “off” feeling that usually starts when I’ve missed some of my meds, but I haven’t. I think it’s just the fact that it’s almost time for Winter Break and even though people think we have way too many vacations, let me just say from experience that…

We Really Need Them

I was feeling this way before Christmas vacation too and then I felt very refreshed upon coming back to work. That feeling has basically lasted up until now so I hope that after this holiday week coming up, I will again be ready with some energy and creativity to put into my work.

Unfortunately (as I had suspected would happen) Kev came home with his first ever spelling test today and he only got 4/10 correct. I got really upset but I didn’t say anything to him right away. I waited until I calmed down. All last week, I made him read the list with me, practice with me. He was annoyed and resisted and didn’t give it his best effort. Last night I even made little flash cards with a little case and on one side I put blanks like hang man to help him practice spelling them by himself. This week I have to get even tougher with him. I started tonight. I made him copy the 6 words he got wrong and I told him if he complained, he’d do them each twice and so on.  Then since he was out yesterday, we had to read a story out of their Reader and she gave a packet of 2 pages about the reading and another 2 pages on telling time. (Holy Crap! First grade is getting hard! My opinion on this another time) I must complain though that this reader was 21 pages long!! Granted there are pictures and stuff but I still think that is a long first grade reading. He was only out of school one day. So we read all 21 pages (he and I taking turns reading) and he did one page of the packet. Then we were both tired and needed a break quite frankly!

New Year’s Eve

Sometimes I envy people with big plans for this evening. I see all these people dressed up with sparkling jewelry on, looking forward to a night of friends and a big, loving New Year’s kiss at midnight.

The only time I ever went out for New Year’s Eve was 8 years ago while pregnant for Kevin. So I obviously didn’t drink but I did dress up pretty and it was pretty fun. It was when my Mom and Dad owned a bar. I’m thankful that they don’t own a bar anymore though, but I do miss having them in town. I know they are much happier in Florida though.

Anyways, most of the time I remember that parties and bars aren’t my style. I do like to go out for a Girl’s Night once in a while but going to a bar with my husband who doesn’t dance and makes me feel like I have to act a certain way, takes all the fun out of it anyway. With my sis and my girl friends, I can just be me. I feel they love and embrace the real me who lets her hair down about once a year! lol

So today I will need to go to the grocery store to figure out dinner and some possible snacks or desserts for tonight and tonight I’m sure I’ll watch t.v., watch the ball drop, think too much and eventually fall asleep. If things are real fun, maybe I’ll play the Wii with the kids or maybe my husband will play a card game with me or something.

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Christmas 2007

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Garbage bags full of pretty papers and cardboard boxes, quiet houses, kids playing with new Christmas toys, tired parents…

All signs that Christmas day has come and gone once again, but what will you remember about Christmas 2007?

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This Christmas Eve was the first in our 12 years of marriage that my husband hasn’t had to work. Nonetheless, it went by just as fast as ever. He got up to chop ice in the morning before his Dad was due to come over and exchange gifts and as soon as he stepped outside, he slipped and went down hard on the icy pavement. This put a small damper on the day as he was in some pain of course. After his Dad, step mom and my niece came over, I went over to my sister’s to say hello to her inlaws. The kids and Al stayed home. When I got back, everyone was resting. Kev slept for quite a while but that was probably a good thing. I finished my cooking and cleaning and before I knew it, my parents were here to exchange gifts and spend the evening together with us. My sis was a couple hours later because she went to the airport to pick up a friend and the plane was 2 hours late. My husband had a few friends stop over. The one friend I invited couldn’t make it because sadly she is the one who lost her Dad this holiday. It was after 10 before everyone left. This was the latest my kids have ever been up on Christmas Eve. I was sooo tired and while we were waiting for the kids to fall asleep, my husband fell asleep too. I cleaned up from the party, carried up the gifts from the basement and out of our room to the tree. I took a few pictures and my husband woke up enough to come out and tell me how nice it all looked. I had trouble falling asleep even though I was exhausted. I watched Midnight mass, wished Jesus a Happy Birthday and prayed before sleep eventually took over. I woke many times though, kind of like I used to when I was an anxious child waiting for Santa to arrive.

Kev woke up first as usual and woke us up at 7:30 to tell us Santa came and to ask LOL why Santa didn’t wrap his big remote control truck! Funny kid! I said he probably ran out of paper hehe. The kids had the best Christmas they ever had (their words). My Mom stayed a long time in the morning playing with the kids toys. The Wii is especially a big hit. Al’s Mom and my sister and Flan came over also. I love that they take the time to do this and have Christmas morning with us. When they all left, me and Al snoozed for about an hour before getting up and showering to get ready for dinner at my Mom’s. My cousin M stopped with his daughter to see all the toys the kids got and then we all headed over for a delicious dinner at Mom’s. We had italian for Christmas this year. This was a first for us. We had shrimp cocktail for an appetizer and then a big yummy salad and the main course was lasagna and spaghetti with homemade sauce filled with yummy meats. We all hung out and chatted for a while. My husband fell asleep again LOL I’ve never seen him sleep so much! Then we all got ready to head out as my parents were going to take a nap before heading out for their long drive to Florida (sad). I wish they were staying at least until we all went back to school.

When we got home, my husband relaxed in front of the t.v. and asked me to sit with him but my Christmas night routine doesn’t end until everything is in its place and rather neat. That took quite a few hours as usual but it’s so rewarding to see a nice, clean house and all of our pretty ,new things put away.

Sorry Sybil showed up at my blog!

Hey guys,

This blog is just to thank all of you who took the time and thought to respond to my 2 panicky blogs from the weekend. I am a very emotional person with huge ups and downs and I show those feelings the most right here in my blogs. Your comments were heartfelt and made me happy to know that you all cared and didn’t just run away when you saw Sybil had taken over my blog for the moment. Although I am joking, it does indeed sometimes feel like there is another crazy person living within me… I don’t have multiple personalities though, I’m just manic depressive. And once I’ve spewed all the hate, fear and frustration, I usually feel better.

Luckily this was the case by Saturday night. I had red chapped skin under my eyes from crying, but 5 hours of marathon Christmas shopping and 2 hours of marathon gift wrapping…and I felt much better.

Things are better at home, not cured- but better. Things are also going good at school this week. My son is very sick with a fever and virus but I know he’ll be on the mend soon. For now, Gwen is back! Life is good…

Bless you all for caring about me

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Friday fog

TGIF!! I started my period finally today, while sort of anyway. About time, 2 weeks late. So I feel so crampy and bloated and sluggish. I really wish I could have a big hug from my old husband…:( No not a prior marriage- the one he used to be before he made my depression “All about him!” I like that Cheetah, I got that from your comment!

I got to go to a NCBI conference today. It was a nice day. These conferences are about respecting diversity and ending bullying. There were lots of good activities and it was a great climate and a chance to see the students and have them see us in a different light. In a group of about 35 students, about 7 of them were my students. We all got those cool stretchy bracelets with the word tolerance on them. I plan to wear mine if I can remember. I have so much that I want to say about the conference and the feelings that I encountered today, but I think I may need to process some thoughts first.

Did I mention that Riss and her friends are going on a Limo ride tonight? Some kids’ parents are crazy but she was invited so I’m going to let her have the experience. Her friend’s Mom hired a limo as a gift for her 6th grader getting good grades the first marking period! OOOOOO KKKKKKKK I think it’s silly and a waste of money but who am I to say. I just think that what will these kids have to look forward to and how much bigger will this reward have to get over the years if they start with things like this? I mean I went in my first limo at the Jr. Prom! And I know many people that didn’t even go in a limo then.

Still shitty on the home front. Don’t know how to make it better. He is the only person that I just can’t get through to sometimes. It’s like I say black , he says white and we never get to grey and he never converts to seeing things my way. I’m sick of compromising my needs and I shouldn’t have to. I wish I knew exactly what to say to him to make him understand how awful the things he’s been saying make me feel. Like “I don’t have time to worry about all my problems and yours too.” and “I just want you to say that everything is good.”

Well I’m depressed but at least it’s Friday. Maybe I should turn the sad music off for tonight…

A blur of a night

Tonight went by in a blur. When I started cooking chili for dinner, I got the idea of starting some of my holiday baking and bringing in some trays to school. So I went on a cooking spree. I made lil cranberry orange muffins in cute lil Christmas wrappers, mini fun-fetti cupcakes with green frosting and sprinkles and peanut butter cookies with mini chocolate chips! I’m going to bring one to my department members, Kev’s bringing one to the office staff and Riss is bringing some to her teachers.

I also had an unexpected visit from a friend tonight which was nice and my cousin called me. I rarely hear from either of these people so it was nice. My friend and I talked quite a while about my job and my feelings. She knows that it is something I struggle with every year. Right around this time of year actually is usually when it really starts. September and October are still the “honeymoon” for the new school year and right around November is when they all relax and let their true selves out. It’s then that it gets very tiresome.

Kev and I read and did some sight words and now both kids are in bed. My husband is working late tonight but tomorrow night he should be home all night. I’m still soooo loving my real Christmas tree by the way! I think it is the most beautiful tree I’ve ever seen!

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Just Breathe

During the year of 2006 when my marriage was at its worse and so was my depression, I was lucky enough to meet a wonderful friend online. It was her who carried me through when I couldn’t carry myself. It was her voice and her words, through the phone and emails. One of the things she used to say to me was “Just breathe…” and it really helped. And every time I heard this song by Anna Nalik, I would think of her and feel better.

The song became less popular and hasn’t been on the radio as much and for a while her and I didn’t really talk and our friendship was sort of lost. I always remember her in my heart though and luckily over the past several months her and I have been rebuilding our friendship. I’m very thankful for this and she knows this.

Well yesterday, I heard this song twice while I was in the car for just a short time. Then last night I had a crazy dream and I only remember bits and pieces but I remember she and many other people were there. She was line dancing and if you knew her that’s kinda funny! LOL I remember at one point there was a piece of paper and she pointed and it was a graphic with the words “Just Breathe!”

When I remembered this today, I figured it was the thought of the day since I’ve been so grumpy. So here I sit, taking a break and breathing, while listening to one of my all time favorite songs.

Thankful for friends, the angels who help us fly when our wings are broken…

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OMG!!! I did not make that graphic and when I searched friends/angels this is what came up. Look at the name.