Thinking while blogging, people can’t be defined

In thinking of all the ways I classify myself, I also think of how I choose to reveal only certain aspects of who I feel I am to different people. I believe I try to read the person I’m talking to in search of how much they can handle. And then there are situations or places where I put on a certain persona to everyone I see there. The reasons vary from wanting to fit in, ideciding if it’s socially acceptable in the particular environment, sharing my personal life on a need to know basis etc. Even though I may have 15 personas (just a random guess), I like to think that I am not lying to anybody about who I am.

It is all me. Every one of my masks if you will is non-judgemental, compassionate, caring, sensitive, unconfident and spiritual.

People really can’t be defined according to groups they identify with. People are very complex (as we well know). Can we ever really completely know a person? Do we even really completely know ourselves? I think we hope to keep learning ourselves and I know that we are constantly changing according to our experiences and thoughts.

If you like a person, do you like them because of their personal qualities?

non-judgemental, compassionate, caring, sensitive, unconfident and spiritual

Or because of the groups they identify with?

Mother

Wife

Teacher

Christian

Dog Lover

Butterfly collector

Angel Believer

Has danced on a bar table

Donates to many charities

Book lover

Music lover

Has been unfaithful

Is bisexual

Afraid of mice

Likes to Crochet

Likes to Cross-stitch

What if you share 10 of the 15 groups with this friend but then suddenly find out that there are another 5 that you don’t identify with or feel are wrong?

Do you still like this person or does it change your opinion?

For every person, there would be a different answer to this question so I’m not really posing these questions. In fact I really don’t know what my point is…lol…I guess I’m just thinking out loud.

Reflections of the week so far

I’ve had a very good, positive week so far. I’ve been making wise food choices (90% of the time). Monday I did an aerobic video and yesterday I did a weight routine and push ups. I’m trying to stick to not eating past 7:00 and most nights it’s not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I’m also trying to not skip meals anymore. Today I missed lunch though but I’ll be back on track with 3 small meals tomorrow.

I had an observation yesterday and in my post observation today, my supervisor had all good things to say to me. It was such a great feeling. I continue to connect with more and more students each day. He called this time of year “Pay-off time” and I couldn’t agree more. In other words, since Sept. I have been building relationships with these kids and teaching them. It took a half of year, but I’m finally starting to see the results of my persistence not only in their achievement but also in their attitudes.

My Mom still thinks I should go to the surgery consult. She thinks that my weight is 90% of the reason for my depression. I really don’t agree that it’s that big of a role. It does play a role but not that much. If I had to list reasons for my depression in order of big affect to small, they would be:

1. Chemical (Nature- both my sister and my Mom suffer or have from depression and are on meds)
2. My marriage (I’ll leave this one as is for no, no need to explain)
3. My belief in myself (this is where weight would come into play along with self-esteem and other related garb)
4. My job as both teacher and parent (lacking the ability to be authoritative- Possibly caused by #3)

A little blue and nostalgic

I was changing my daughter’s diapers…

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We were singing to Sesame Street songs and watching Barney.

It was her first day of Kindergarten

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I’m kind of emotional tonight. Some of you mothers with teenage daughters might understand. My daughter got to use the “Secret box” I wrote about last year. You know, the one she got after watching the “Special movie” last year with just the girls.

Yup my girl is leaving childhood and beginning adolescense. It doesn’t seem possible.

I’m glad her and I had a special day today. We went out shopping while the guys were off doing something else and went out to lunch. We did lots of giggling today and I played a video game with her after dinner.

Gosh I love her and am looking forward to the years to come but I do already miss those early days. I still have the memories and photos though.

Buddy, a tribute

Throughout my childhood we had a white poodle named Josh. He was a great dog but when his seizure disorder finally caused all of his systems to shut down, we were all heartbroken. My father who proclaims himself to not “care about having pets” was probably hurting the most. Fpr this reason he told me Mom “no more pets!” But in Mom’s true fashion, she decided to go against his wishes and bring home a baby Boston Terrier just a few months later. I think I was in 11th grade.

It didn’t take long for this small, beautiful, ball of fur had won over all of our hearts (including my Dad’s). This dog could do no wrong in any of our eyes. He had such a big personality for a little dog! I can remember like it was yesterday: my sister and I waiting till Buddy was in a deep sleep and snoring pretty good, then his tongue would come out and he would begin to suck. Then we used to love to stick our finger in his lil mouth and he would suck like he was nursing. I can still see and hear my Dad in my mind say “Buddy, stop staring at me!”. LOL My dad and he had a great relationship and Buddy would sit and stare at Dad until he got up to get him a bone or whatever else he may have wanted. My Dad taught him to do a pretty cute trick with his favorite, green milkbones. Dad called it “walrus” as he would let Dad put a treat under each side of his jowels so they were sticking down like Walrus teeth! And Buddy would just leave them there and show them off until we said “okay”.

Buddy was my baby, my best buddy, sleeping partner, confidant and so much more. I think one of the hardest parts of leaving for college was leaving Buddy. I did however bring with me a 16×20 pic of me holding him and giving him a big smooch though! He was the first dog I ever kissed on the lips! (but not the last lol) My first night at SUNY Albany was hard for many reasons, but I really missed my Buddy. My husband (boyfriend at the time) drove 5+ hours total the day after they dropped me off just to sneak Buddy in and let me have some love time with my boy! (tears are starting, I miss him more than I remembered)

Buddy was a friend to everybody and impacted many of my family member’s lives. Even my grandfather on my Dad’s side just loved Buddy to pieces. He wasn’t around much as we were growing up but as he aged and had many health struggles and close calls with death, my Grandfather started hanging out with our family more. One memory I have is that my Grandpa always wore a certain kind of hat (almost like a beret but I can’t think of the name) and as he got older, he walked with a cane. Somehow Buddy and my Grandpa came up with the game of Buddy jumping on his lap and swiping his hat. My grandpa thought this was just the best! Buddy never went far with it, just far enough so Grandpa could get it back with his cane. Buddy gave my Grandpa many smiles over his last year or so.

When I got married, I would have loved to take Buddy with me but I of course didn’t because he was everybody’s “Buddy”. But believe me, I visited and loved him up frequently. I have wedding photos of me and Buddy. I couldn’t have been closer to any person than I was my dog.

Ten years of marriage went by and many things changed. Buddy got older, lost his eyesight, many of his teeth were falling out and he no longer was the clean, house-trained pup he once was, but I still saw that spry puppy with a sparkle in his eye.

My parents moved into an apartment and couldn’t keep him anymore. His demise was hard on my parents of course. I took my boy in and nursed him through every last day he had with me. I fed him like a King and it didn’t matter how many things were ruined with urine as long as he was happy and pain free. Things can be replaced but my time with my Buddy was precious.

It’s been about four years since Buddy went to doggy heaven and most likely met up with Josh and many other great pups. I still miss him so much. No matter how great my fur babies are today, none will replace my bestest “Buddy” in the whole wide world.

I took a picture of a picture of me in 12th grade with Buddy. I wanted to share him with you.

Christmas 2007

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Garbage bags full of pretty papers and cardboard boxes, quiet houses, kids playing with new Christmas toys, tired parents…

All signs that Christmas day has come and gone once again, but what will you remember about Christmas 2007?

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This Christmas Eve was the first in our 12 years of marriage that my husband hasn’t had to work. Nonetheless, it went by just as fast as ever. He got up to chop ice in the morning before his Dad was due to come over and exchange gifts and as soon as he stepped outside, he slipped and went down hard on the icy pavement. This put a small damper on the day as he was in some pain of course. After his Dad, step mom and my niece came over, I went over to my sister’s to say hello to her inlaws. The kids and Al stayed home. When I got back, everyone was resting. Kev slept for quite a while but that was probably a good thing. I finished my cooking and cleaning and before I knew it, my parents were here to exchange gifts and spend the evening together with us. My sis was a couple hours later because she went to the airport to pick up a friend and the plane was 2 hours late. My husband had a few friends stop over. The one friend I invited couldn’t make it because sadly she is the one who lost her Dad this holiday. It was after 10 before everyone left. This was the latest my kids have ever been up on Christmas Eve. I was sooo tired and while we were waiting for the kids to fall asleep, my husband fell asleep too. I cleaned up from the party, carried up the gifts from the basement and out of our room to the tree. I took a few pictures and my husband woke up enough to come out and tell me how nice it all looked. I had trouble falling asleep even though I was exhausted. I watched Midnight mass, wished Jesus a Happy Birthday and prayed before sleep eventually took over. I woke many times though, kind of like I used to when I was an anxious child waiting for Santa to arrive.

Kev woke up first as usual and woke us up at 7:30 to tell us Santa came and to ask LOL why Santa didn’t wrap his big remote control truck! Funny kid! I said he probably ran out of paper hehe. The kids had the best Christmas they ever had (their words). My Mom stayed a long time in the morning playing with the kids toys. The Wii is especially a big hit. Al’s Mom and my sister and Flan came over also. I love that they take the time to do this and have Christmas morning with us. When they all left, me and Al snoozed for about an hour before getting up and showering to get ready for dinner at my Mom’s. My cousin M stopped with his daughter to see all the toys the kids got and then we all headed over for a delicious dinner at Mom’s. We had italian for Christmas this year. This was a first for us. We had shrimp cocktail for an appetizer and then a big yummy salad and the main course was lasagna and spaghetti with homemade sauce filled with yummy meats. We all hung out and chatted for a while. My husband fell asleep again LOL I’ve never seen him sleep so much! Then we all got ready to head out as my parents were going to take a nap before heading out for their long drive to Florida (sad). I wish they were staying at least until we all went back to school.

When we got home, my husband relaxed in front of the t.v. and asked me to sit with him but my Christmas night routine doesn’t end until everything is in its place and rather neat. That took quite a few hours as usual but it’s so rewarding to see a nice, clean house and all of our pretty ,new things put away.

Sorry Sybil showed up at my blog!

Hey guys,

This blog is just to thank all of you who took the time and thought to respond to my 2 panicky blogs from the weekend. I am a very emotional person with huge ups and downs and I show those feelings the most right here in my blogs. Your comments were heartfelt and made me happy to know that you all cared and didn’t just run away when you saw Sybil had taken over my blog for the moment. Although I am joking, it does indeed sometimes feel like there is another crazy person living within me… I don’t have multiple personalities though, I’m just manic depressive. And once I’ve spewed all the hate, fear and frustration, I usually feel better.

Luckily this was the case by Saturday night. I had red chapped skin under my eyes from crying, but 5 hours of marathon Christmas shopping and 2 hours of marathon gift wrapping…and I felt much better.

Things are better at home, not cured- but better. Things are also going good at school this week. My son is very sick with a fever and virus but I know he’ll be on the mend soon. For now, Gwen is back! Life is good…

Bless you all for caring about me

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A letter to my husband

How can you say these hurtful things to me? And still say you love me??

 

“I just want you to say everything is good”

(Asking me to lie when I’m feeling horrible just to make you feel better is a pretty hard and selfish thing to ask I feel)

“I don’t have time to worry about all my problems and yours too.”

(Un excuse me, this is what marriage is all about! What exactly are your reasons for being married if it’s not to have a soul mate, someone who cares and would do anything for you)

“Oh but it’s ok for you to treat me like that because you have a mental illness.”

(Ouch! Talk about throwing it in my face that you don’t really see this as a real disability. You really have no idea what it’s like to be me or to struggle with this every day)

 

Did you forget how bad you felt when we weren’t going to be together anymore? Did you forget how good it felt when we were getting along so well and I was constantly hugging, kissing you??

 

Yes it’s a 2 way street as you say and on your side of the street, what have you done for me lately??

 

We both work, I do the laundry, I clean the house, I take care of the kids 95% of the time, if either of us cooks it’s me, I do the grocery shopping, the Christmas shopping.

 

You work and work ….and take care of the kids 5% of the time.

 

And all I asked was for you to hear me out and maybe give me a hug from time to time. You could have ended this before it started last week when I started feeling horrible about work. It was only work then, things at home were still great. I couldn’t wait till you got home at night so I could cuddle up to you and take the energy from your hugs to try to help me get through the next day.

 

Now I have nothing going well for me. Work sucks, home life sucks, I have nobody to comfort me, I’m alone all the time with the kids, I have no hobbies, no passions, nothing to look forward to. And oh yea, Christmas is 10 days away and I’ve barely started shopping.

 Geesh, it really is a mystery why I am depressed!

The latest..

So this morning I try to talk to him and I say “It just sucks that I’ve realized again that my husband doesn’t love or care about me.” He says “I do but it’s a 2 way street. You want me to be nice to you. You have to be nice to me too. Oh but I know, you don’t have to be nice because you have a mental illness, right?”

I say “No! Why is it complete strangers understand me better than you do?” He says “Because they don’t live with you and have to deal with you everyday.”

I say “I can’t live like this.”

He walks out the door to go to work……..

Friday fog

TGIF!! I started my period finally today, while sort of anyway. About time, 2 weeks late. So I feel so crampy and bloated and sluggish. I really wish I could have a big hug from my old husband…:( No not a prior marriage- the one he used to be before he made my depression “All about him!” I like that Cheetah, I got that from your comment!

I got to go to a NCBI conference today. It was a nice day. These conferences are about respecting diversity and ending bullying. There were lots of good activities and it was a great climate and a chance to see the students and have them see us in a different light. In a group of about 35 students, about 7 of them were my students. We all got those cool stretchy bracelets with the word tolerance on them. I plan to wear mine if I can remember. I have so much that I want to say about the conference and the feelings that I encountered today, but I think I may need to process some thoughts first.

Did I mention that Riss and her friends are going on a Limo ride tonight? Some kids’ parents are crazy but she was invited so I’m going to let her have the experience. Her friend’s Mom hired a limo as a gift for her 6th grader getting good grades the first marking period! OOOOOO KKKKKKKK I think it’s silly and a waste of money but who am I to say. I just think that what will these kids have to look forward to and how much bigger will this reward have to get over the years if they start with things like this? I mean I went in my first limo at the Jr. Prom! And I know many people that didn’t even go in a limo then.

Still shitty on the home front. Don’t know how to make it better. He is the only person that I just can’t get through to sometimes. It’s like I say black , he says white and we never get to grey and he never converts to seeing things my way. I’m sick of compromising my needs and I shouldn’t have to. I wish I knew exactly what to say to him to make him understand how awful the things he’s been saying make me feel. Like “I don’t have time to worry about all my problems and yours too.” and “I just want you to say that everything is good.”

Well I’m depressed but at least it’s Friday. Maybe I should turn the sad music off for tonight…

My first in 34 years

We got our tree today, a real tree! With branches and pine pitch and everything! hehe It’s my first real tree for Christmas ever! I’m so excited about it!

It’s just perfect in every way. The dogs apparently thought so too though and tried to make the tree their very own by urinating on it! Therefore they were all in their crates while the rest of the family decorated.

Tonight my husband has to go back to work but at least we got to have quality time with the tree today and the house is more festive. I can’t believe how soon the holiday will be here. My parents will be home from Florida this Saturday and then I’m planning on doing some Christmas shopping hopefully Sunday if she’ll watch the kids.

This week we have Riss’ band concert on Wednesday and Saturday she’s dancing at the mall. Next week Kev has a Christmas play on Wednesday and then Thursday is our last day of school before Christmas break. This is the longest I ever remember Christmas vacation being- awesome!

I still have fluid in my left ear. Last night I played around and pulled on my ear and such and eventually it felt like it drained and didn’t bother me for the rest of the night but now today it’s back and driving me bonkers. My husband said I should have had it checked at the Health Center today but that isn’t where I wanted to spend my Sunday. But I don’t want feel like this all week either so I really hope that by tomorrow whatever is causing the water sound in my ear has moved itself out of my ear!

I think I’ll start wrapping up a few of the gifts I’ve bought for family members tonight.