Someone pulled the plug..I’m drained

Much like watching the water spiral and go down the drain, I can feel all my energy and general spark being drained from my body. Most of it gone and what little is left is telling me to go to sleep and forget about the world for a while.

I despise feeling this way and rarely know where to start to try to understand why?? Why I let myself feel this way- Why I get so worked up- Why I’m not brave enough to stop doing the same thing over and over- Why I am the way that I am??

I’ll start with the part of my day that sent me over the edge and go backwards from there.

I came home on my break between schools which turned out to be the biggest mistake of the day. Even though my husband had snowblowed the 8 heavy, wet inches of snow in the driveway, it continues to fall and make more of a mess. I had 20 minutes to drive about 3 miles to the school but I spent 20+ being stuck in my driveway! I shoveled under my tires, I put rock salt near my tires, I called my sister and my husband, I cried, I called the school to tell them I was stuck and would be there a.s.a.p. (to bad the school secretarty-designated bitch of the building answered and made me feel more like shit) and then I called my sister again and told her to please head from where she was to get me. So 20 mins. into class, with teary eyes and a stuffy nose, I approach the school. I called my husband one last time to see if he could pick me and our daughter up a couple hours later (but he just “couldn’t get away” grrr!) so my sister agreed to come back and I walked to my classroom looking and feeling like a big, cry-baby fool.

When getting back home my husband called and I told him my sister brought us home and casually and calmly mentioned that we really should get someone to do our driveway on a regular basis like we used to.

Apparently I’d already used up all his patience (we all know how he can’t “deal” with me when I’m upset) because I was met with hostility at my suggestion and a “I’ll fucking be home after work to do it.” I was in no way blaming him and had already said this before his explosion. I should be used to this by now. Better yet, I should be gone and over this by now. I hung up on him and haven’t answered the call he returned to me or listened to the voice mail he sent me.

I’m drained. The plugs been pulled. Like the movie “The Incredible Shrinking Woman”, I’m going down the drain. Only I’m not yelling for help or fighting it. Maybe the pipes are better than the pool of water I’ve been sitting in.

Free thought

Something’s bothering me today. I’m not as positive as I have been every other day this week. I thought I would blog it out and then try to let it go, remembering tomorrow is a new day!

I woke up in an alright mood dispite not sleeping well last night. At 3:30 I was t0tally awake. I ate a cereal bar for breakfast and headed to work. The students were at their wost today unfortunately and it started right away in my first class where they are usually the highlight of my day. The classes got more unruly from here (all down hill I’d say). Then my mentor wanted to discuss my observation from the a.p. after my classes were over. I didn’t feel like it but said yes of course. Then as usual…she forgot me and I had to come hunting her down. She was happy about what the a.p. said about my lesson but also added a reccomendation of her own. She noted that she’s seen me sometimes end the class like 3 mins. early and she explained why I shouldn’t. It’s no big deal and usually I’m good at accepting constructive criticism, but I just wasn’t today. I wanted to stay positive and after this meeting (in addition to the way the classes went) I just couldn’t.

So I came home for a quick lunch of Healthy Choice soup and went back to work at the other school. It was much of the same even though I had already changed plans to something I thought they’d be more cooperative with since yesterday’s lesson went crummy. I was trying to give them a break since they had state testing in the morning.

I started changing sheets and mopping floors the minute I got home. I had noticed how filthy the house was when I came home to eat. I just threw in some laundry and here I sit, wanting to feel better like I have in recent days.

It hasn’t happened yet LOL

Must be I have more dirt to get rid of inside of me…

I’m disappointed that I really am getting less and less comfortable expressing myself on my other blog. There is one person in particular whose comments on my articles are getting me down. It’s not that the person is saying anything necessarily bad but I can just tell he/she doesn’t understand and I write for myself first and to connect with people who understand second.

I’m sick of my husband being gone almost every night. I’m sick of feeling like I have to take care of the whole household and kids by myself every night. It’s bad enough that he works his regular job until about 6:30 but then he works after work as well. I’ve even accepted that he does this but the part that really ticks me off is when he says that he’s NOT working on a particular night and then still doesn’t get home until after 8:00.

Reflections of the week so far

I’ve had a very good, positive week so far. I’ve been making wise food choices (90% of the time). Monday I did an aerobic video and yesterday I did a weight routine and push ups. I’m trying to stick to not eating past 7:00 and most nights it’s not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I’m also trying to not skip meals anymore. Today I missed lunch though but I’ll be back on track with 3 small meals tomorrow.

I had an observation yesterday and in my post observation today, my supervisor had all good things to say to me. It was such a great feeling. I continue to connect with more and more students each day. He called this time of year “Pay-off time” and I couldn’t agree more. In other words, since Sept. I have been building relationships with these kids and teaching them. It took a half of year, but I’m finally starting to see the results of my persistence not only in their achievement but also in their attitudes.

My Mom still thinks I should go to the surgery consult. She thinks that my weight is 90% of the reason for my depression. I really don’t agree that it’s that big of a role. It does play a role but not that much. If I had to list reasons for my depression in order of big affect to small, they would be:

1. Chemical (Nature- both my sister and my Mom suffer or have from depression and are on meds)
2. My marriage (I’ll leave this one as is for no, no need to explain)
3. My belief in myself (this is where weight would come into play along with self-esteem and other related garb)
4. My job as both teacher and parent (lacking the ability to be authoritative- Possibly caused by #3)

Sunday blabberings

After being on such a positive high earlier in the week, I’m feeling a little more neutral today. Not down, just not as high as I was. I haven’t blogged in a few days. It hasn’t been for lack of time or wanting to, but the words just aren’t coming easy. I don’t really know how I feel and feelings are what I write about for the most part. My mind today is very noisy and I guess so are my surroundings (kids, dogs). Sometimes I can block it all out but today is the kind of day I really just crave silence and solitude.

Earlier I went to go do a little work in my office, but got distracted by the mess the kids had left all through the stairway, hallway, bathroom, their rooms!!! UGGGHHHH!!! So an hour after I went to do a little work, I hadn’t stepped foot into my office and was in a real ugly mood.

My husband came home from doing some work and we had pizza for lunch. Then I helped him take our first real tree down and out to the yard to get ready to go to the dump. Do you know that tree was still green and beautiful? I still believe it was a very special tree to go along with a most magical Christmas we had this year.

My son went back to work with my husband and my daughter has a friend over. So I’m not one less kid…it’s still chaotic and noisy here.

I have been extremely tired this weekend and I’m not sure why. I haven’t even stayed up late on either Friday or Saturday night like I usually do. Now that Christmas is over, I have no use for Winter or snow! I want Spring and sunshine to bring my energy back!

There have been words again this week between my husband and I that aren’t really anything new..but put me back closer to that negative place I get when I sit back and look at how unfulfilling my relationship with him is. The thing is I do love him and am afraid to be without him and yet deep down I feel that it is this negative relationship that holds me back from growing.

Uggghhh!! I wasn’t gonna go there…too late now..

I’ve been pondering thoughts about:

A letter to my husband

How can you say these hurtful things to me? And still say you love me??

 

“I just want you to say everything is good”

(Asking me to lie when I’m feeling horrible just to make you feel better is a pretty hard and selfish thing to ask I feel)

“I don’t have time to worry about all my problems and yours too.”

(Un excuse me, this is what marriage is all about! What exactly are your reasons for being married if it’s not to have a soul mate, someone who cares and would do anything for you)

“Oh but it’s ok for you to treat me like that because you have a mental illness.”

(Ouch! Talk about throwing it in my face that you don’t really see this as a real disability. You really have no idea what it’s like to be me or to struggle with this every day)

 

Did you forget how bad you felt when we weren’t going to be together anymore? Did you forget how good it felt when we were getting along so well and I was constantly hugging, kissing you??

 

Yes it’s a 2 way street as you say and on your side of the street, what have you done for me lately??

 

We both work, I do the laundry, I clean the house, I take care of the kids 95% of the time, if either of us cooks it’s me, I do the grocery shopping, the Christmas shopping.

 

You work and work ….and take care of the kids 5% of the time.

 

And all I asked was for you to hear me out and maybe give me a hug from time to time. You could have ended this before it started last week when I started feeling horrible about work. It was only work then, things at home were still great. I couldn’t wait till you got home at night so I could cuddle up to you and take the energy from your hugs to try to help me get through the next day.

 

Now I have nothing going well for me. Work sucks, home life sucks, I have nobody to comfort me, I’m alone all the time with the kids, I have no hobbies, no passions, nothing to look forward to. And oh yea, Christmas is 10 days away and I’ve barely started shopping.

 Geesh, it really is a mystery why I am depressed!

The latest..

So this morning I try to talk to him and I say “It just sucks that I’ve realized again that my husband doesn’t love or care about me.” He says “I do but it’s a 2 way street. You want me to be nice to you. You have to be nice to me too. Oh but I know, you don’t have to be nice because you have a mental illness, right?”

I say “No! Why is it complete strangers understand me better than you do?” He says “Because they don’t live with you and have to deal with you everyday.”

I say “I can’t live like this.”

He walks out the door to go to work……..

Friday fog

TGIF!! I started my period finally today, while sort of anyway. About time, 2 weeks late. So I feel so crampy and bloated and sluggish. I really wish I could have a big hug from my old husband…:( No not a prior marriage- the one he used to be before he made my depression “All about him!” I like that Cheetah, I got that from your comment!

I got to go to a NCBI conference today. It was a nice day. These conferences are about respecting diversity and ending bullying. There were lots of good activities and it was a great climate and a chance to see the students and have them see us in a different light. In a group of about 35 students, about 7 of them were my students. We all got those cool stretchy bracelets with the word tolerance on them. I plan to wear mine if I can remember. I have so much that I want to say about the conference and the feelings that I encountered today, but I think I may need to process some thoughts first.

Did I mention that Riss and her friends are going on a Limo ride tonight? Some kids’ parents are crazy but she was invited so I’m going to let her have the experience. Her friend’s Mom hired a limo as a gift for her 6th grader getting good grades the first marking period! OOOOOO KKKKKKKK I think it’s silly and a waste of money but who am I to say. I just think that what will these kids have to look forward to and how much bigger will this reward have to get over the years if they start with things like this? I mean I went in my first limo at the Jr. Prom! And I know many people that didn’t even go in a limo then.

Still shitty on the home front. Don’t know how to make it better. He is the only person that I just can’t get through to sometimes. It’s like I say black , he says white and we never get to grey and he never converts to seeing things my way. I’m sick of compromising my needs and I shouldn’t have to. I wish I knew exactly what to say to him to make him understand how awful the things he’s been saying make me feel. Like “I don’t have time to worry about all my problems and yours too.” and “I just want you to say that everything is good.”

Well I’m depressed but at least it’s Friday. Maybe I should turn the sad music off for tonight…

Back to perspective

Well I only ended up with a 2 hour nap yesterday and my doctor’s appointment was a complete waste of time that solidified the fact that I need to change doctors. My blood pressure was the highest it had ever been and the nurse had me lie down with the lights off so she could check it again in a few minutes to see if it went down. Well the P.A. came in after me waiting 45 mins. and rushed me in and out literally ignoring what I was saying. She gave me a script for antibiotic for my ear and then said “You’re all set” as she was already out the door. I was like “ooooo kay…guess my Blood pressure wasn’t important” and I just left chalking it up to a lesson learned. I’ll be going to the doctor that my Mom recommended that I saw for the bumps on my thyroid from now on. I would like to go see her during my Christmas vacation and talk about all of the issues I wanted to talk about yesterday. I just have to make myself call and make an appointment. Another weird thing about me, I sort of have a phone phobia. I hate, hate making phone calls! I put them off until I absolutely make myself!

So anyways, my prior 2 blogs…

I still mean all that stuff except it’s all back into perspective for now. I have to do like they taught me when I was in Outpatient Hospitalization for my depression, anxiety and OCD “One day at a time”. I got through today and I will get through tomorrow the same way. Well actually easier because I am going to a conference to prevent bullying and promote acceptance of diversity. Some of my students are actually going as well. It should be a good day full of active participation and different from the normal “hamster wheel”. And next week will be a dream come true (except for the part that I am soooo not ready for Christmas). We only have school Mon. through Wed. and we will do holiday related, Spanish activities and I am hoping to find a movie we can watch, so it should be a rather nice week.

I still don’t understand my husband’s whole perspective on things and it really upsets me that we’ve come soo far and things have been sooo great and he seems willing to let it all go by falling into the same trap we’ve been in before.  He says :

#1 that he only asks me how my day was cuz he wants to hear that everything is good. So I asked, “So you want me to lie? That’s not fair”. His answer “no, I really want things to be good. That doesn’t make any sense to me. So what am I supposed to say when things aren’t good?

#2 He says it’s impossible to give me the extra love I need during these times because “I’m being rude to him.” He’s mistaking the fact that I am depressed, aggravated or “having a bad day” as being rude to him! Duh!! I’m not, I’m just miserable and it shows obviously in my tone! Goes long with own of my favorite quotes (actually a Chinese proverb) “Love me when I deserve it the least for it is then I need it the most.”

So for the past 3 days we’ve barely spoke and definitely haven’t hugged, snuggled or even held hands. All of this is sooo not good for A. our relationship or B. my depression…

Why does it feel to me like he doesn’t care?? And how can he think that it is all my fault??

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Not again!

Last year at this time, every part of my life was a mess!

My marriage had fallen apart and we were just hanging on by a worn out thread, my job gave me anxiety attacks and needless to say my depression wasn’t even close to be controlled.

Just when I thought it was safe to come out (of my depressive shell) and work on making me a better ME, everything feels like it’s crashing down on me. “Feels like” is the operative word here.  Work as you know has been horrible. Today I dealt with bullying, parents and students that feel it’s ok to yell across the room to other students while I am teaching! I talked to a couple of my co-workers that I’m comfy with today before my break. It wasn’t planned but it just came out. They both had supportive things to say, which is certainly more than I can say about my husband.  Two pieces of advice that I took from them today are: 1. I made the first step to have a meeting between myself, one of the worst problematic students and the guidance counselor.     2. I’m going to a Bullying conference on Friday. Not only will it get me out of the negative environment to do something new and fresh but I will hopefully also learn a thing or two about dealing with bullies. Heck maybe I’ll even learn to stand up for myself because I’m sure those being bullied will be taught this skill (I would think).

So I come home on my break feeling sick to my stomach. I called my husband because I noticed Kev had forgotten the goodies to bring to the office staff. Normally I wouldn’t have called him since we went to  bed on bad terms last night. He came home at 10 p.m. and I wanted to talk to him about the crap on my mind that you all know more about than he does! But when I started, he reverted to the old husband. He’s all like “Well it’s a good job and I already told you to do what you want. You don’t have to like what you do!” What??? Who is he to say?? He’s the one with the job where he has no benefits, sick time or any chance of future promotions!! But why??? Because he loves it!!! This is the husband that I left and wanted to divorce until he changed his evil ways. He seemed o.k. today though and after the discussion about the goodies he said “How has your day been so far?” I answered “Not good but don’t worry about it.” I mean I know he doesn’t want to hear me complain! But yet he asks!! So I begin to tell him what had conspired in the morning. I didn’t even get to the part about talking to some of my colleagues. I guess he got irritated when I said “It feels like everything is closing in on me.” He yelled back angrily “Oh come on!! Stop that, you’re being ridiculous!” So I did what most wives in my position would do—I said “OK sorry I talked to you about it AGAIN” and I hung up!!

So that is where I’m at now. The school day is over Thank God and even though I have to work at home both with family chores and school chores, I was originally looking forward to spending time with my husband tonight since he works ridiculous hours! But now, like the old Gwen, I want nothing to do with him. What the hell do I have a husband for if he won’t even listen to my worries and concerns without making me feel like dirt?

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