Thinking while blogging, people can’t be defined

In thinking of all the ways I classify myself, I also think of how I choose to reveal only certain aspects of who I feel I am to different people. I believe I try to read the person I’m talking to in search of how much they can handle. And then there are situations or places where I put on a certain persona to everyone I see there. The reasons vary from wanting to fit in, ideciding if it’s socially acceptable in the particular environment, sharing my personal life on a need to know basis etc. Even though I may have 15 personas (just a random guess), I like to think that I am not lying to anybody about who I am.

It is all me. Every one of my masks if you will is non-judgemental, compassionate, caring, sensitive, unconfident and spiritual.

People really can’t be defined according to groups they identify with. People are very complex (as we well know). Can we ever really completely know a person? Do we even really completely know ourselves? I think we hope to keep learning ourselves and I know that we are constantly changing according to our experiences and thoughts.

If you like a person, do you like them because of their personal qualities?

non-judgemental, compassionate, caring, sensitive, unconfident and spiritual

Or because of the groups they identify with?

Mother

Wife

Teacher

Christian

Dog Lover

Butterfly collector

Angel Believer

Has danced on a bar table

Donates to many charities

Book lover

Music lover

Has been unfaithful

Is bisexual

Afraid of mice

Likes to Crochet

Likes to Cross-stitch

What if you share 10 of the 15 groups with this friend but then suddenly find out that there are another 5 that you don’t identify with or feel are wrong?

Do you still like this person or does it change your opinion?

For every person, there would be a different answer to this question so I’m not really posing these questions. In fact I really don’t know what my point is…lol…I guess I’m just thinking out loud.

Rambling

Today when I woke up I had stomache pains and they continued all day long. I had a meeting with my mentor and one of the things she asked me was if there was one thing from the beginning of the year that I could think of that I felt I had done a particularly good job about. I was completely blank…It’s quite embarrassing actually.

The same thing happened last week at the conference I went to when we were doing a similar brainstorming activity where we had to say things we liked about ourselves. I am ashamed that I am continually so negative and hard on myself. I obsess over all of my weaknesses and all I do wrong and can rarely see what I do right. I tend not to recognize it until someone else recognizes it for me. I know this isn’t healthy and I guess that is the first step. I feel sometimes that I think too much and yet I never really figure much out! Not real productive, eh?

I had brought all of my classes popcorn and candy canes and we watched The Christmas Story in Spanish with English subtitles. I didn’t get even a single card this year. I noted that one single student thanked me in each of my classes today for bringing in the treats. I would’ve liked more but they’re kids afterall.

When I got home from work, I layed down with a heating pad on my stomach and fell asleep for about an hour. Riss apparently fell asleep too. It was cute. I was just waking up and Kev comes downstairs and says “Mom, why am I the only one awake in this house?” LOL

After that, Al’s dad caled to ask if they could go to dinner with them and so they were gone for a couple of hours and I of course took advantage of the time alone to….

Mop the floors and clean!!

My husband went Christmas shopping tonight. I wish he could wrap up “Emotional and physical closeness”. That’s what I want most from him.

I still need that brake light of mine fixed. I was thinking about either going to get Kev a hair cut tomorrow or bringing the kids roller skating tomorrow. We’ll see!

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I hope it’s PMS

No this isn’t something I normally wish for but considering how grumpy I’ve been the past few days and how my shortness of temper and mood swings are increasing- I hope it’s PMS! At least I know that if it is, there is an end in sight! What makes it even more delightful is that Kev (my son) too has been in one of his worse moods ever. I’ve heard him yelling and whining since about 8 a.m. and it’s now 10 p.m., I’ve just sat down to relax and I can still here him yelling and bickering with his sister even though he’s supposed to be in bed. Grrrr!!! Riss just came downstairs and told me that Kev told her what he got her when we went Christmas shopping together tonight!!! That makes me soooo mad!!

And I have either water or some fluid in my ear and it’s bothering the heck out of me! Every time I swallow or move my head I can feel and hear it! I tried jumping up and down with my ear tilted like I do when I get water in my ear in a pool, but it didn’t work.

The Best Of Will Farrell is on t.v. so that will hopefully be some good laugh therapy. My husband is not working tomorrow but I’m not sure if we have plans. I’m thinking not really because he has a honey do list from me of very important stuff that he’s been putting off due to being “too busy” and also he’s promised Kev some quality time. Remember Kev’s “sick of girls”.

He and Mom are a great pair of grumps!

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Thoughts of a tired mom and teacher…

Saturdays are traditionally blog till you drop days for me! What can I say? blogging is my passion, hobby and addiction! So even on days when I may not know exactly what to write about, I will be here blabbering. This is the case today. I’m feeling like my life is probably pretty boring for others to read but blogs are for personal enjoyment and heck! I like to write and talk to myself about my life. Sometimes I’m my own best listener and it’s not until the words come typed or written from mind to computer screen or paper, that I realize what is going on inside of Gwen.

Today I’m thinking about dance, blogs, jobs and kids.

Yesterday on my other blog that I’ve had for almost 3 years I believe, I posted one video of my daughter’s dress rehearsal last night. There is this one elderly blogger that I know considers myself his friend but he usually has something negative to say when he stops by and also seems to get angry at me when I talk about my depression or negativity in any way. I try not to give it a second thought and dismiss it as “old people syndrome”. No offense, but a lot of elderly people are very chronically cranky and like to spread the misery. I learned this through my many years of retail, waitressing and just through life in general. But since I’m the type of gal who lets EVERYTHING get to her, it does bother me. Oh well! Anyways, yesterday he made a negative comment about my 11 year old daughter’s ballet clip, that they weren’t graceful! I mean come on, isn’t this a little like duhhhh!!! Ya don’t put down peoples’ kids. I mean I wasn’t signing her up for the NYC ballet. I was just showing a clip of her Christmas’ play dress rehearsal!

Next topic, I’m still thinking about the whole job/career question. Most of my blog friends’ responses have been the standard “You’re a good teacher. Give yourself more credit. Think of all the lives you touch.” To be honest with you, these responses make me feel worse and I know that is not your intention at all. I’m not really sure why this reaction either. Maybe it’s because I’m looking for the permission to give up on myself as being an effective teacher. Maybe it’s because I think you all can’t really possibly know that I’m a good teacher from my blogs. I do consider myself a good blogger LOLOL but not a good teacher. I mean I have a heart of gold, would give the shirt off my back to one of my students  and think of many of them like I would my own children- but that’s not an effective teacher. That’s a 1% piece of a big 100% puzzle.

Our friend Stu had lots of ideas similar to ones I’ve had in the past that I’m still not sure are real possible but I thank her for the thought she put into it and it is those ideas that have encouraged me to keep thinking, dreaming, exploring the possibilities of a life in which Gwen would be happier.

More thoughts- I want to be a bum all day since we have the recital tonight from about 5:45 to 9:30 door to door of our house when I can cuddle up with my dogs again and spend weekends the way they were meant to be enjoyed! But I look above me and see dirty ceiling fans, I look to the corner and see cobwebs, straight ahead their is dust and I know that this is only one room of our 9 room home! Yuck!

I guess that last paragraph sucked all my writing inspiration out of me because I’m empty for now. I’ll be back though. Threat or promise, however you look at it! :0)

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