After midnight!

I tried to go to bed at 10:30. It’s not midnight and I’m still wide awake. I could only listen to my own thoughts racing for so long before I had to get up and do something. Since my mind is working overtime on school, I thought I would look over and even type my lesson for the rest of the week so that I would feel more prepared and perhaps be able to get 5 hours asleep here…

I would take a sick day as I certainly have a lot of medical things going on that I could address but it would be a very bad day to for 2 reasons. Tomorrow night is Marissa’s band concert and it’s only been 2 weeks since I took the day off when Marissa was sick. I seem to be the only one at school who is ever sick or needs to take so much time off (4 days since September) and yes a couple of them have young kids like I do.

I can’t take an anxiety med because I’ve been out for over a month and since I was feeling so good, I didn’t bother calling for a refill! I’ve still got that fluid in my ear as well. Not to mention that there has been something wrong and painful with my left thumb for the past couple of weeks. And then there is the fact that I seem to be skipping cycles every other month and when they do come, I’ve been getting cysts that finally go away after my cycle. So see, I do have plenty of reasons I could take a sick day but I’d feel even more guilty probably if I took the day off.

Grrrrrr!!! Being a grown up sucks.

TGIF

Thank God tonight is over!! Whew!!

I was ultra prepared for dress rehearsal after school.  I went to three different stores during my school break just to get the right size pink tights (the final piece for costumes needed). I had a plan. Riss packed all her costume and shoes. I packed a snack, coloring books and crayons for Kev and figured we would leave at 3:30 when he got off the bus and grab an early dinner on the way since I hadn’t had lunch and the kids are always hungry after school.

3:25 and the phone rings. It’s Kev’s teacher and we had a long talk that lasted until Kev got off the bus. But since he had a substitute bus driver, it was 3:45 and we didn’t have time to get eats! Also I had no gas but we didn’t have time to stop. We were 5 mins. late as it was.

Well we couldn’t really color because it was dark but he was rather patient…at least for the first couple of hours. Then he was hungry and bored and he didn’t like the music. I was starving too and by 6:30 when we left the church where the recital is held, I was just as grumpy as Kev.

So a trip to the gas station (I’ll have to go again tomorrow cuz I only had $10 to spare on me) and through a drive thru and home I came. Then Pauly did something absolutely unbelievable! He’s my 1 yr. old pug for those of you who don’t know my fur babies. I was sitting here on my bed with my laptop, about to write a blog and check emails and he jumps up. Very nomal. Then I see him lift his leg and pee all over Kev’s backpack that was on my bed and my bed of course!!! WTF??? Are you kidding me?? Did he really just do that???

So had to change the covers and throw a load in the wash and Gwen is Grumpy! Thank God it’s Friday night. Tomorrow night will be just the same as it is dance recital night, but I have the rest of the night and all day tomorrow to lounge in my jammies. It’s sooo darn cold out!

glitter-graphics.com

What could I do? Part 1

In my mind I feel that I would love to not have to work, but financially and realistically- I need to work. It’s weird because I would’ve never thought of myself as someone who would not want to work. I was always very motivated and had my first job when I was fourteen. I started a bank account right away and by the time I was around seventeen I had saved enough to pay cash for a brand new car. I was pretty frugal I guess. I remember buying a standard because it was cheaper, even though I had never driven one before. In retrospect, it was a pretty effective way to learn LOL.  Anyways, I digress… I guess my desire “not to work” has mainly come about due to my worsening depression and becoming a Mom.

I think back and remember that I never minded going to work anywhere but school. Yes some days I come home feeling great but most days, the students behavior makes me feel completely inadequate. I’ve never dreaded going to work the way I some days do every since I began teaching six years ago. For one reason I suppose is that it is the first job that I couldn’t/ wouldn’t just up and quit because I disliked it or it was hard. Afterall I’ve spent 6 plus years in college and spend tons on tuition, housing and books. Plus you can’t shirk out on your responsiblilities, especially when your “customers” and your “product” are people. And if you leave somewhere in the middle of the year, you can pretty much kiss the idea of ever trying this career again goodbye!

My family and friends (and myself I suppose) keep saying that it will get easier. Perhaps I can see the improvement over my 5 or 6 years teaching but it’s just not enough improvement to make me want to get out of bed every day and go in to inspire the minds of young adults eager to learn (LOL…yes I think I started seriously but the sarcasm just snuck in). I don’t think I’m good at it even though I really am trying my best at all times. Sometimes my depression gets in the way and sometimes it is just hard to be good at all things I do. A woman especially I think, tends to spread herself to thin.. I have a majore character flaw that is not good for the teaching profession. I’m a real push over. I honestly do not try to be. No matter how hard I try, how many books I read, how many times I tell myself that I will not stand for being disrespected- the kids see right through it and know that my bark is worse than my bite.  I could go on with a million reasons but it all comes down to me feeling like I’m ripping off the students and I feel like I NEED a job that I can be passionate about. Like the saying goes (someting like this) “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life!”

But what could I do? What do I love, believe in or have passion for? And lastly Could I make a living doing it?

Things I love:

Dogs: Hmmm…Well I’m not up for going back to school to be a vet nor could I stand watching them suffer. I think I’d love to do what my sister does but unfortunately I couldn’t live on $10/ hour.  I don’t think there is much I could do that would make me able to care for my family.

Writing: If only blogging was a real job option! That would be a dream job! You know, sometimes I really envy all of you who can blog from work. I remember when I was at SUNY Potsdam studying Spanish that both my English and Spanish teachers had told me that I had potential as a journalist. I thought that was nice of them to say but I had chosen Spanish as my path. Now I wish I would have asked more questions about options in this field. Every time one of my friends or relatives needs a good persuasive or business letter written, they come to me. I guess some people think I have a knack for words and it’s something I definitely enjoy. Once again though, I don’t think it’s something I could make money at but I would love to be proved wrong. I don’t think a book is my thing. I’d love to do articles, blogs or other short pieces though.

How sad…I’m out of passions already! This is honestly all that comes to mind. Now I’ll go to things I’ve enjoyed doing in the past.

Medical Reception/ Insurance Referrals:  I’m not exactly sure what I liked about this job but I know I enjoyed  both jobs I had in this field and only left one to go to another for more money. I remember when I was little, I always pictured myself working in an office.  I liked that I could dress up, talk to people but still have my own little space/desk and I had a lot of fun with my coworkers.

O.k. I’ll keep thinking and have a part two about this eventually. I need to figure out how to be happy, feel good about the job I do and feel appreciated. But at the same time, I have to build a stable future for my family.

Yesterday..all my troubles seemed so far away!

LOL I had no title so I was just going to talk about my day yesterday and then the song popped in my head!

Anyway back to my day yesterday. I can’t believe I didn’t have time to blog. And the thing is- last night I would’ve like to because I had some deep thoughts (again!) in my head. But at the same time, when I finally got the chance it was after 10:00 and I was tired and knew that if I started blogging I could be up all night!

I felt really lousy yesterday, PMS strikes I believe. I didn’t take a break between classes today to try to get myself organized and then I had a parent meeting at the end of the school day.  When we got home from school I quickly tidied up and did the dishes because me and dd (Riss) were getting our hair done at 4:30 and the hair dresser is a friend of mine and she comes to us. I got my hair highlighted and cut quite a bit. It really bounced the curl back and is so much lighter and not so frizzy. (the joys and pain of curly hair) Riss got her hair cut real cute with long bangs that swipe over to the side and long layers but cut a little shorter (as her hair had once again grown at least to the middle of her back).

Then Sis stopped over and we ordered dinner and tried to chat but little man (Kev) was in a real mood and “sick of hanging around girls”. Grrr! Daddy’s working a lot and Kev is frustrated. When hubby did get home, Sis and I went to Wallyworld. She had to get my Gram’s scripts and some new socks and I was out of hair gel to make my new do look good for school! LOL

By the time we got home it was 8:30 and I read to the kids and then enjoyed hubby’s company. Eventually though my tired ,old man fell asleep and I was left alone and awake with my own thoughts of inadequacy. I’ve been real down on myself about my worth as a teacher lately. I really want a job that I feel like I’m good at and I think that I’m the type of person that really needs to feel appreciated for what I do (I guess we all are in a way!) I think we all know that teachers are underappreciated. I think that the most similar job for being underappreciated happens to be my “other” full time job “Parent”

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Hamster on a wheel!

Is it just me or does anybody else ever feel kinda like a hamster on a wheel? Let me explain. Every morning begins the same way, we go to work, we come home, do house chores, eat dinner, go to bed and then start it all over again in the morning! I’m not saying I want excitement necessarily because not all excitement is good excitement and with the thing with the hamster wheel is – I’M ALWAYS BUSY! I keep moving along, my eyes straight ahead with the next sequential goal ahead. But wait, deja-vue?? wasn’t I just here? Didn’t I just see that same thing? What do I look forward to? Seeing that same little dent in the wheel everytime I get to that certain spot?

For me the little dent in the wheel is the weekend! But I only see the dent for such a short period of time and by the time I get to the dent, I’m already thinking about starting the wheel all over again!

And I have no passion for the wheel darn it! I dread the wheel!

My story continues!

I just talked to hubby and asked him what time he got home and if I was “awake”. He said around 11 and I had a wash cloth on my head and said I didn’t feel good. WHAT THE HECK! I walked, talked, ate and got a cold wash cloth for myself….

ALL WHILE SLEEPING!!

Wow, no more Ambien for me!
Readers beware , my doc didn’t tell me but these are all documented side effects when I look up the drug online!

Also considered an eating disorder

www.anred.com 

Nocturnal sleep-related eating disorder

There are at least two problems that involve disordered eating primarily at night: nocturnal sleep-related eating disorder, which is discussed here, and night eating syndrome, which is described on another page on our site. We suggest you read the material on both so you will have a better understanding of these perplexing and distressing problems.

When I woke up this morning, there were candy bar wrappers all over the kitchen, and I had a stomach ache. I had chocolate on my face and hands. My husband says I was up eating last night, but I have no memories of doing so. Could he be playing a joke on me?

Maybe not. You might have nocturnal sleep-related eating disorder, a relatively unknown condition currently being investigated.

What is nocturnal sleep-related eating disorder (NS-RED)?

In spite of its name, NS-RED is not, strictly speaking, an eating disorder. It is thought to be a type of sleep disorder in which people eat while seeming to be sound asleep. They may eat in bed or roam through the house and prowl the kitchen.

These people are not conscious during episodes of NS-RED, which may be related to sleep-walking. They are not aware that they are eating. They have no memories of having done so when they wake, or they have only fragmentary memories. Episodes seem to occur in a state somewhere between wakefulness and sleep.

When people with NS-RED awake and discover the evidence of their nighttime forays, they are embarrassed, ashamed, and afraid they may be losing their minds. Some, when confronted with the evidence by family members, deny that they were the perpetrators. They truly do not believe they could have done such a thing and cannot admit to such dramatic loss of control.

Food consumed during NS-RED episodes tends to be high-fat, high-sugar comfort food that people deny themselves while awake. Sometimes these folks eat bizarre combinations of food (hotdogs dipped in peanut butter, raw bacon smeared with mayonnaise, etc.) or non-food items like soap that they have sliced like they would slice cheese.

 Who gets NS-RED?

One to three percent of the general population (3 to 9 million people) seems to be subject to this disorder, and ten to fifteen percent of people with eating disorders are affected. The problem may be chronic or appear once or twice and then disappear. Many of these people are severely stressed, anxious individuals who are dismayed and angry at themselves for their nocturnal loss of control. Their behaviors may pave the way to depression and weight gain.

Many of these individuals diet during the day, which leaves them hungry and vulnerable to binge eating at night when their control is weakened by sleep.

People with NS-RED sometimes have histories of alcoholism, drug abuse, and sleep disorders other than NS-RED, problems such as sleep walking, restless legs, and sleep apnea. Their sleep is fragmented, and they are often tired when they wake.

Sleep disorders, including NS-RED, seem to run in families. They may have a genetic component.

Reports have been received by the FDA and the makers of Ambien, a prescription sleep aid, to the effect that some of the people who took this medication discovered that they had eaten or binge eaten while they slept under the influence of the drug. Most had no memory of doing so when they awoke in the morning. A scientific paper is pending. For more information see Newsweek, March 27, 2006, p.54.

How can people eat and not remember doing so? Are they lying?

No, they are not lying. It seems that parts of their brains are truly asleep, and, at the same time, other parts are awake. The parts that regulate waking consciousness are asleep, so the next day there are no memories of eating the night before.

Is there any treatment for NS-RED? If there is, what is it?

Yes, there is treatment. It begins with a clinical interview and a night or two at a sleep-disorders center where brain activity is monitored. Sometimes medication is helpful, but sleeping pills should be avoided. They can make matters worse by increasing confusion and clumsiness that can lead to injury. Regular use of sleeping pills can also lead to dependency and rebound wakefulness on withdrawal. Instead, ask your doctor about prescription SSRIs.

Also helpful are interventions that reduce stress and anxiety; for example, stress management classes, assertiveness training, counseling, and reducing intake of alcohol, street drugs, and caffeine.

How about self-help techniques? Are there any that work?

Some people find that sleep-eating episodes are fewer and farther between if they play soft, rhythmic music at night. Headsets and earbuds can eliminate annoyance for bed partners, but the volume should be low enough to prevent damage to one’s hearing.

Some people enlist the help of family members who lock cupboards and the refrigerator at night and then hide the keys. Others tie one end of a thread or string to a wrist and the other to the bed frame so that they wake themselves if they get up and walk away from the bed. Some have even used baby alarms or burglar alarms that are triggered by motion.

These techniques should be implemented carefully and safely so that a person who is somewhere between sleep and wakefulness does not hurt her/himself during a sleep-walking/eating episode.

Information on Waking at night to eat- A sleep disorder

Key Names: Nocturnal Eating Syndrome, Sleep-Related Eating, Sleep Eating Disorder, Night Eating Disorder, Nocturnal Sleep-Related Eating Disorder

Nocturnal Eating Syndrome (Sleep-Related Eating) is considered a parasomnia, and is a rare type of sleepwalking, a disorder of arousal. People with this disorder experience recurrent episodes of eating during sleep, without being aware of what they are doing. Sleep-related eating might occur often enough to result in significant weight gain. Although it can affect all ages and both sexes, it is more common in young women.

The Merk Manual has night-eating syndrome listed under the heading of obesity and has this to say about the syndrome: The night-eating syndrome consists of morning anorexia, evening hyperphagia (excessive ingestion of food), and insomnia. Attempts at weight reduction in the presence of these 2 conditions are inordinately difficult and may subject the patient to unnecessary distress
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Hyperphagia Associated with Sleep Disorders

Sasson [117] has noted that in patients with sleep apnea who are somnolent during the day, there is obligatory eating to induce alertness, thus reducing daytime drowsiness. This hyperphagia has produced markedly increased body weights in such patients. Binge eating behavior and morning anorexia have been described by Stunkard [118] in the context of a “night eating” syndrome, suggesting a component of sleep disturbance. In the Kleine-Levin Syndrome [101] hyperphagia is associated with hypersomia.

Recent evidence evaluating episode hormone secretion dorms sleep in Kleine-Levin Syndrome reveals an abnormality in the hypothalamic regulation of pituitary hormones [119].

Sleep disturbance

OK…I need to start with the fact that last night I took a prescribed sleeping pill because I was anticipating having trouble sleeping. For one because my husband was working late and two because I’ve been having trouble sleeping.

Well when I woke up, I had some vague memories and I assumed they were a dream. One thing that I remembered was meeting someone at 11 and so when I came home on break from school at 11 and my Sis walked in, I had a feeling maybe it wasn’t a dream. LOL

So I said to her “Did I talk to you last night?” She laughed “Yea, you don’t remember talking to me.”

I admitted that I didn’t remember but that I had some vague memories and I was kind of hoping they were just a dream because I remembered saying some wacky things! I told her I had taken the sleeping pill. I actually had a 40 minute conversation with her that I barely recall!

I said to her “What time did you call me?” She laughed again “I didn’t! You called me at 10:30 and I was worried that you called me so late”

I also apparently had a peanut butter sandwich and left the bread all open and everything! Just what I need is to start eating in my sleep. I have noticed myself waking up in the middle of the night and grabbing snacks lately which is also weird. I’m obviously having some sort of sleep disturbance and meds won’t help if I’m doing this sort of thing.

Gonna have to do some research!

Get your blog Christmas tree!

This is too cute everyone! You can get your own at pyzam.com

Hmmm…have no idea why html has decided not to work for me! Sorry guys!