Give me a break-I need it

Last night and this morning I was feeling that “off” feeling that usually starts when I’ve missed some of my meds, but I haven’t. I think it’s just the fact that it’s almost time for Winter Break and even though people think we have way too many vacations, let me just say from experience that…

We Really Need Them

I was feeling this way before Christmas vacation too and then I felt very refreshed upon coming back to work. That feeling has basically lasted up until now so I hope that after this holiday week coming up, I will again be ready with some energy and creativity to put into my work.

Unfortunately (as I had suspected would happen) Kev came home with his first ever spelling test today and he only got 4/10 correct. I got really upset but I didn’t say anything to him right away. I waited until I calmed down. All last week, I made him read the list with me, practice with me. He was annoyed and resisted and didn’t give it his best effort. Last night I even made little flash cards with a little case and on one side I put blanks like hang man to help him practice spelling them by himself. This week I have to get even tougher with him. I started tonight. I made him copy the 6 words he got wrong and I told him if he complained, he’d do them each twice and so on.  Then since he was out yesterday, we had to read a story out of their Reader and she gave a packet of 2 pages about the reading and another 2 pages on telling time. (Holy Crap! First grade is getting hard! My opinion on this another time) I must complain though that this reader was 21 pages long!! Granted there are pictures and stuff but I still think that is a long first grade reading. He was only out of school one day. So we read all 21 pages (he and I taking turns reading) and he did one page of the packet. Then we were both tired and needed a break quite frankly!

if only the rain meant that the flowers were close behind

We have had sooo much rain this Winter. It’s another dreary, wet day. If only it meant that Spring was just around the corner! That would be awesome! But for a NY Winter we still have two more months with good possibilities of snow.

All that being said, the rain has not got me down today. The clouds are smiling at me and the rain isn’t made of tears. I had an awesome sleep last night and my day has been sweet. I was dreading meeting with my Mentor about the observation she did of me last week, because I’m always thinking the worst of myself.  But I couldn’t have been more wrong. She comes across as the “perfect teacher” and many new teachers are intimidated by her, but she had great things to say about me. I know many of you are going to say “I told you so” because you are all so kind and always say that you just “know” I’m a good teacher. For me though, I am always surprised to hear it. No matter how many people say it, I never get used to it. I always feel like “they’re going to find me out” and realize that I’ve been fooling people into thinking I was a good teacher all along.

So I thanked her so much and then I was mentioning what a cool feeling it was to be standing in the very building where I learned to speak Spanish from 9th to 12th grade. Unlike many Spanish teachers, I have no relatives who speak the language nor have I studied abroad.  I am truly a “product” of the school where I now teach and send my children (with of course my college studies). So she came up with a great idea and said I should be a guest speaker at the next Spanish Honor Society Meeting in March. She wants me to tell my story to inspire others. I’ll be very nervous but I’m excited about it as well. I’m going to have to think of a basic speech about what I’d like to say to them.

Got my workout at work!

All my classes today learned a little bit of:

Mambo
Cha Cha
Merengue

And we had fun doing it!

Plus! Now my workout for the day is already done! I actually had the whole class sweating and saying next time they were bringing water bottles!

Free thought

Something’s bothering me today. I’m not as positive as I have been every other day this week. I thought I would blog it out and then try to let it go, remembering tomorrow is a new day!

I woke up in an alright mood dispite not sleeping well last night. At 3:30 I was t0tally awake. I ate a cereal bar for breakfast and headed to work. The students were at their wost today unfortunately and it started right away in my first class where they are usually the highlight of my day. The classes got more unruly from here (all down hill I’d say). Then my mentor wanted to discuss my observation from the a.p. after my classes were over. I didn’t feel like it but said yes of course. Then as usual…she forgot me and I had to come hunting her down. She was happy about what the a.p. said about my lesson but also added a reccomendation of her own. She noted that she’s seen me sometimes end the class like 3 mins. early and she explained why I shouldn’t. It’s no big deal and usually I’m good at accepting constructive criticism, but I just wasn’t today. I wanted to stay positive and after this meeting (in addition to the way the classes went) I just couldn’t.

So I came home for a quick lunch of Healthy Choice soup and went back to work at the other school. It was much of the same even though I had already changed plans to something I thought they’d be more cooperative with since yesterday’s lesson went crummy. I was trying to give them a break since they had state testing in the morning.

I started changing sheets and mopping floors the minute I got home. I had noticed how filthy the house was when I came home to eat. I just threw in some laundry and here I sit, wanting to feel better like I have in recent days.

It hasn’t happened yet LOL

Must be I have more dirt to get rid of inside of me…

I’m disappointed that I really am getting less and less comfortable expressing myself on my other blog. There is one person in particular whose comments on my articles are getting me down. It’s not that the person is saying anything necessarily bad but I can just tell he/she doesn’t understand and I write for myself first and to connect with people who understand second.

I’m sick of my husband being gone almost every night. I’m sick of feeling like I have to take care of the whole household and kids by myself every night. It’s bad enough that he works his regular job until about 6:30 but then he works after work as well. I’ve even accepted that he does this but the part that really ticks me off is when he says that he’s NOT working on a particular night and then still doesn’t get home until after 8:00.

Reflections of the week so far

I’ve had a very good, positive week so far. I’ve been making wise food choices (90% of the time). Monday I did an aerobic video and yesterday I did a weight routine and push ups. I’m trying to stick to not eating past 7:00 and most nights it’s not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I’m also trying to not skip meals anymore. Today I missed lunch though but I’ll be back on track with 3 small meals tomorrow.

I had an observation yesterday and in my post observation today, my supervisor had all good things to say to me. It was such a great feeling. I continue to connect with more and more students each day. He called this time of year “Pay-off time” and I couldn’t agree more. In other words, since Sept. I have been building relationships with these kids and teaching them. It took a half of year, but I’m finally starting to see the results of my persistence not only in their achievement but also in their attitudes.

My Mom still thinks I should go to the surgery consult. She thinks that my weight is 90% of the reason for my depression. I really don’t agree that it’s that big of a role. It does play a role but not that much. If I had to list reasons for my depression in order of big affect to small, they would be:

1. Chemical (Nature- both my sister and my Mom suffer or have from depression and are on meds)
2. My marriage (I’ll leave this one as is for no, no need to explain)
3. My belief in myself (this is where weight would come into play along with self-esteem and other related garb)
4. My job as both teacher and parent (lacking the ability to be authoritative- Possibly caused by #3)

Baby steps

Yesterday I did something I haven’t done in a long, long time!

 I actually put in an exercise DVD and did the whole thing after work! Yea me! In addition, I’m still on track with not skipping meals and making some pretty good food choices. Not perfect, but who is! I feel happy with how I am doing and perception is 90% of the battle I think.

My positivity so far this week has carried over to school/work and it makes for such quick days. I had an observation today and I think it went great. Tomorrow I will have the follow up appt. with the Principal.

When me and dd got home from school, there was a package on the porch. It turned out to be beautiful flowers, vase and a teddy bear that my Mom sent to Riss acknowledging her “milestone”. Last night we had a long talk about how she was going to bring “things” to school and when she would go to the restroom and how to make it so nobody knew what she was doing. We came up with a pretty good solution and she tells me that all went fine in school today.

Tonight is dance class so we’ll be having some sort of a quick dinner. Supposedly my husband isn’t working late tonight, but we’ll see.

Thoughts for the morning

It’s Saturday morning and I had the pleasure of waking up to an overdue credit card bill (lovely!). So I got up before 9:00 and paid as many bills as my pay check allowed and then brought Marissa to dance. I am looking around at a very dirty house and trying to get motivated to clean it (once again). I love a clean smelling house and I love the way it looks when it’s clean but man it really is such a “Groundhog Day” (the movie) experience. Seems every day I wake up to the same dirty house no matter how much cleaning I do. And the kids always want friends over on the weekends but I certainly don’t feel comfortable letting them have anyone over while their rooms and the rest of the house are disgusting.

Pauly (the small pug) got sick last night in my bed! Yuck! They’re just as bad as my kids (or worse)! Molly (the Boston)really needs a bath too. I didn’t bathe her when I bathed the pugs last and she is just not smelling good. I sometimes have a very sensitive sense of smell, especially when I’m due for my TOM. I think I’m due… I don’t really keep track and am pretty irregular anyway but I don’t have to worry about getting pregnant so I’m not really a “tracker”. However I have been getting a cyst-like sore every month at the time of my period and the sore has arrived.

Me and the kids went to my sister’s and had pizza last night with her before I brought Riss to Teen Town at the school. It was sooo foggy last night. I lucked out in the sense that my husband went to get her at 9:00 and I didn’t have to go back out.

I will be having two observations this week at school so I will be glad when they are over. I know that I don’t really have anything to get nervous about but it still does put a person on edge to have someone observing and critiquing your teaching, especially when I am not a self-confident person (as you all know).

I made an appointment for a consultation about weight loss surgery a few weeks ago and the appointment is Tuesday about 45 mins. away from my house. I’m having doubts about going now for a few reasons and I’m still not sure if I will cancel on Monday or bite the bullet and finish what I started. Obviously my original reasons for wanting to have the Lap-band surgery are that I really need to get my eating and weight under control for health reasons, self-esteem reasons, to be a better parent and a role model to my children and students.

But I really don’t want to take the day off from work when I am just starting to feel comfortable (on a roll) and I’ve already been out quite a few days. And I really don’t want to drive to this unknown town to find this medical facility by myself like I would need to do. Then I was talking to a girl who had the surgery and it got me thinking deeper. She had to be on a liquid diet for a month prior to the surgery and now it has been 3 months since her surgery and she still can’t have any bread, pasta, rice etc.  So I’m thinking to myself first off, if I had faith in myself to be able to go on a liquid diet for a month and then eat no carbs for the next 3-4 months, wouldn’t I lose the weight I needed to anyways? So why go through risky surgery, pain and loss of work time to put myself through the same thing?

I know I have to fix me! But is surgery the best choice and answer for now? Should I give myself another chance to conquer what’s “eating me” without going under a knife? I haven’t been perfect since the New Year but I definitely think I have been pretty good, much better than prior to the New Year. I have been trying to not skip meals (only once did I skip lunch this week). I’ve also been trying to not eat for at least 3 hours before bed since night time snacking has been a big issue with me for a long time. I think I may have broken this rule twice this week but certainly did not gorge myself like I once would have. I haven’t been able to bring myself to exercise yet though. I know this is the biggest step and will make the food part much easier but I just haven’t done it yet.

Does anyone has any book recommendations of the Self- help or diet type that really helped you?

Ironic

Well another work day has come and gone. I slept rather good last night but am feeling rather blah today.

This morning I found out something pretty ironic. A while ago I wrote about how I felt my purpose at least at work for this year was being revealed to me. I wrote of one girl who had been picked on and bullied and who had also lost her sister in a car accident last year. This girl is the one who gave me a candle for Christmas. I never knew her last name until today when it came up in conversation. When I heard it, I couldn’t believe my ears. Her sister who was killed in a car accident was a student of mine from four years ago at another area school. I blogged about it last year when it happened and I really felt bad over it. I knew her not only through school but she also danced with the same dance company as my daughter. I can’t help but think that maybe this girl and I were supposed to meet.

Not the way one hopes to start a day

Oh my! It was one of those “nightmare mornings”! My alarm went off at 6:30 and I went to push the snooze (as I was very, very groggy) and I instead turned it off. So I usually leave at about 7:10 to drop Riss off and get to my school by 7:30, but today I woke up at 7:13!! And just to make things that much more interesting, Riss was still asleep too! Grr!!

Today was a day I wanted to get to school early but insted I was the latest ever! I needed to pick up papers in the copy room and fill all their homemade shoes with candy from los Tres Reyes Magos (3 Kings)! Luckily some early students helped me with this part.

I felt soo gross not being able to shower! Luckily the morning went by quick and I have a wonderful schedule so when I got home at 11:20, before going to M.S., I showered!! Now I feel a lil better and am almost ready for Part 2 of Monday!

It’s so upsetting that I bring in candy for everyone (again) and this time, not ONE student said thank you! I guess it’s my fault for still doing it even after they acted the same way last time. And in addition to no thanks, I had to fight them to pick up their wrapers etc. This is how kids get a bad name. Oh well! It’s just one day. I’m sure tomorrow will be better!

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Today I feel…

Today I feel like my purpose for this school year is being revealed to me. It just kind of all hit me today but it’s actually been happening gradually over the school year.

My favorite part of being a teacher is not necessarily teaching Spanish but being there as a mentor, advocate, adult who cares for my students who really need it. This is what I had been lacking earlier in the year. I really wasn’t feeling the connections like I was making a difference in lives or needed.

Before Christmas break when I attended a seminar on bullying, I met a student who was very shy and picked on and we were in some of the same groups during group activities. At the end of the seminar she was crying and I befriended her. I never imagined that I really made an impact on her, but every since that day she has made a point to come to my classroom before homeroom to say hello. She gave me a candle for Christmas. None of my students did (which is fine, don’t get me wrong) but how nice of her! I had only met her a week previous. Today she confided in me that this was her first Christmas without her sister. Her sister was killed in a car crash last year as a Senior.

Another girl had been out of school for quite a while and I knew that before the absence she had been pretty ill. Diabetes, anxiety, depression, been through a bad break up…just in bad shape. I saw her at a local restaurant this weekend and asked if she was going to be back to school. She said she wasn’t sure if she was staying but would be back this week. She told me she had been in a hospital North of here. I told her that I was really looking forward to seeing her. Her and I had a nice relationship since the beginning of the school year. She has a lot of trouble with the subject and used to come for help after class before I went to the Middle School. Today she came in class late and then while the students were making their shoes for 3 Kings Day , she came to chat with me. She really confided in me: her reasons for being hospitalized, her plans to be emancipated from her Dad because she can’t live with him, that she is staying in a hotel by herself at 15 that her Dad pays for but never comes home to, that she has 3 doctors appointments a week in 2 different towns that she has to walk to. She walks up to a hour and a half each way in the cold to go to her appointments. I talked to her about the importance of staying in school and commended her positive outlook and how hard she was fighting the fight. She really appreciated our talk and said she understood that her diploma would be her “ticket out of here”.

Another student tells me often that there is no or very little food at home, that they are barely getting by, that her Mom left the state again this year and is never around, that her Dad isn’t her real dad but it’s where she lives…She is another one that had been bullied this year and I put a stop to it (at least when I’m around). She’s extremely artistic and always doodling. Today she brought me in a paper folded and real casually said to me “just something I made in art class”. It’s a purple butterfly! How ironic is that!!

I know I’ve written of this before but purple butterflies and white roses are “my sign”. My Mom, sis and I all have the same white rose, butterfly tattoo meaning that for eternity we’ll be together and whenever we see the white rose or purple butterfly, we’re on the right path and everything is o.k.

I believe my purpose is being revealed.

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