Never slept

I’ve never had insomnia this bad before. I literally never slept last night. At 4 a.m. I called in for a sub thinking that I was going to be exhausted when it was time to get up  soon, but turns out I couldn’t sleep then either. And it’s 9:30 and I’m still not sleeping. I have a doctor’s appointment at 11:30 but maybe after that I will be able to sleep for a couple of hours before getting my daughter from school.

 My anxiety is through the roof! My mind is over-obsessing on wanting OUT now. If there were any way I could get out of my contract without making a bad name for myself in my hometown school especially- I would.  I could stick it out for a month or so while they looked for a new teacher, but I’m scared to try to make it all the way till June again. I want to start applying for some of the other jobs that have interested me online. I want to feel good about myself and feel capable and appreciated. I just don’t want to have to constantly count the hours until I have to go to work again. Honestly I’d rather do anything right now! Even retail in holiday season! At least I wouldn’t have to bring my work home with me at night.

Something’s gotta give….

After midnight

I tried to go to bed at 10:30. It’s not midnight and I’m still wide awake. I could only listen to my own thoughts racing for so long before I had to get up and do something. Since my mind is working overtime on school, I thought I would look over and even type my lesson for the rest of the week so that I would feel more prepared and perhaps be able to get 5 hours asleep here…

I would take a sick day as I certainly have a lot of medical things going on that I could address but it would be a very bad day to for 2 reasons. Tomorrow night is Marissa’s band concert and it’s only been 2 weeks since I took the day off when Marissa was sick. I seem to be the only one at school who is ever sick or needs to take so much time off (4 days since September) and yes a couple of them have young kids like I do.

I can’t take an anxiety med because I’ve been out for over a month and since I was feeling so good, I didn’t bother calling for a refill! I’ve still got that fluid in my ear as well. Not to mention that there has been something wrong and painful with my left thumb for the past couple of weeks. And then there is the fact that I seem to be skipping cycles every other month and when they do come, I’ve been getting cysts that finally go away after my cycle. So see, I do have plenty of reasons I could take a sick day but I’d feel even more guilty probably if I took the day off.

Grrrrrr!!! Being a grown up sucks.

Not again!

Last year at this time, every part of my life was a mess!

My marriage had fallen apart and we were just hanging on by a worn out thread, my job gave me anxiety attacks and needless to say my depression wasn’t even close to be controlled.

Just when I thought it was safe to come out (of my depressive shell) and work on making me a better ME, everything feels like it’s crashing down on me. “Feels like” is the operative word here.  Work as you know has been horrible. Today I dealt with bullying, parents and students that feel it’s ok to yell across the room to other students while I am teaching! I talked to a couple of my co-workers that I’m comfy with today before my break. It wasn’t planned but it just came out. They both had supportive things to say, which is certainly more than I can say about my husband.  Two pieces of advice that I took from them today are: 1. I made the first step to have a meeting between myself, one of the worst problematic students and the guidance counselor.     2. I’m going to a Bullying conference on Friday. Not only will it get me out of the negative environment to do something new and fresh but I will hopefully also learn a thing or two about dealing with bullies. Heck maybe I’ll even learn to stand up for myself because I’m sure those being bullied will be taught this skill (I would think).

So I come home on my break feeling sick to my stomach. I called my husband because I noticed Kev had forgotten the goodies to bring to the office staff. Normally I wouldn’t have called him since we went to  bed on bad terms last night. He came home at 10 p.m. and I wanted to talk to him about the crap on my mind that you all know more about than he does! But when I started, he reverted to the old husband. He’s all like “Well it’s a good job and I already told you to do what you want. You don’t have to like what you do!” What??? Who is he to say?? He’s the one with the job where he has no benefits, sick time or any chance of future promotions!! But why??? Because he loves it!!! This is the husband that I left and wanted to divorce until he changed his evil ways. He seemed o.k. today though and after the discussion about the goodies he said “How has your day been so far?” I answered “Not good but don’t worry about it.” I mean I know he doesn’t want to hear me complain! But yet he asks!! So I begin to tell him what had conspired in the morning. I didn’t even get to the part about talking to some of my colleagues. I guess he got irritated when I said “It feels like everything is closing in on me.” He yelled back angrily “Oh come on!! Stop that, you’re being ridiculous!” So I did what most wives in my position would do—I said “OK sorry I talked to you about it AGAIN” and I hung up!!

So that is where I’m at now. The school day is over Thank God and even though I have to work at home both with family chores and school chores, I was originally looking forward to spending time with my husband tonight since he works ridiculous hours! But now, like the old Gwen, I want nothing to do with him. What the hell do I have a husband for if he won’t even listen to my worries and concerns without making me feel like dirt?

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