The more I notice cycles..

The more I notice how I have absolutely great days and then days when I can barely get out of bed, the more I think maybe I really am bipolar. But then I think about people like poor Britney Spears in the news and say I couldn’t possibly have it if that is what it looks like. I have mood swings but not that big, but then again…stars do everything bigger.

This week I was in a great mood from Mon. to Wed., then I had one ok day, 2 bad days and today is an ok day.

Reflections of the week so far

I’ve had a very good, positive week so far. I’ve been making wise food choices (90% of the time). Monday I did an aerobic video and yesterday I did a weight routine and push ups. I’m trying to stick to not eating past 7:00 and most nights it’s not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I’m also trying to not skip meals anymore. Today I missed lunch though but I’ll be back on track with 3 small meals tomorrow.

I had an observation yesterday and in my post observation today, my supervisor had all good things to say to me. It was such a great feeling. I continue to connect with more and more students each day. He called this time of year “Pay-off time” and I couldn’t agree more. In other words, since Sept. I have been building relationships with these kids and teaching them. It took a half of year, but I’m finally starting to see the results of my persistence not only in their achievement but also in their attitudes.

My Mom still thinks I should go to the surgery consult. She thinks that my weight is 90% of the reason for my depression. I really don’t agree that it’s that big of a role. It does play a role but not that much. If I had to list reasons for my depression in order of big affect to small, they would be:

1. Chemical (Nature- both my sister and my Mom suffer or have from depression and are on meds)
2. My marriage (I’ll leave this one as is for no, no need to explain)
3. My belief in myself (this is where weight would come into play along with self-esteem and other related garb)
4. My job as both teacher and parent (lacking the ability to be authoritative- Possibly caused by #3)

Healing

Many of us use our blog as a healing tool and through this we find ourselves having many ups and downs. Yes, it seems we write more about the down times This is when we need the listening ear that blogging provides.

During the downs I think it’s easy to think that we are backtracking, getting worse, not healing. I try to remember that healing is not a linear process, but rather a cyclic one. But it’s difficult to do at times.

I wonder why and how I can be so happy and positive last week and then feel lousy by the weekend and just horrible today. I feel like two different people when this happens. The Good Gwen and The Bad Gwen. The Gwen people like and the Gwen people have trouble “tolerating”. I know I like the Gwen from last week a lot better too.

I told myself that the next time this happened I would remember that it was only a day, one day, and that most likely tomorrow would be completely different and better. I told myself and I listened and I mostly believe it but there is that one lingering negative thought in the back of my head that I won’t type nor say out loud.

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END OF ROPE

Oh, my God,
I truly am at the end
Of my very short rope,
But I know that this is good
Because now
I need to hang onto
Your infinite one!

I am finally willing
To surrender my way
To Your Way
Because mine
Doesn’t work.

- – -

I am listening

- – - – -

In the silence
I hear the Voice
Of the tender Mother
I hear Her gently telling me
To just love
And leave the rest in Her Care.

I did as told
And wasn’t surprised
When I saw the sun rise
Full of warmth
Bathing all in the golden Light
Of HER glory.

And I was healed.

AMEN

Sunday blabberings

After being on such a positive high earlier in the week, I’m feeling a little more neutral today. Not down, just not as high as I was. I haven’t blogged in a few days. It hasn’t been for lack of time or wanting to, but the words just aren’t coming easy. I don’t really know how I feel and feelings are what I write about for the most part. My mind today is very noisy and I guess so are my surroundings (kids, dogs). Sometimes I can block it all out but today is the kind of day I really just crave silence and solitude.

Earlier I went to go do a little work in my office, but got distracted by the mess the kids had left all through the stairway, hallway, bathroom, their rooms!!! UGGGHHHH!!! So an hour after I went to do a little work, I hadn’t stepped foot into my office and was in a real ugly mood.

My husband came home from doing some work and we had pizza for lunch. Then I helped him take our first real tree down and out to the yard to get ready to go to the dump. Do you know that tree was still green and beautiful? I still believe it was a very special tree to go along with a most magical Christmas we had this year.

My son went back to work with my husband and my daughter has a friend over. So I’m not one less kid…it’s still chaotic and noisy here.

I have been extremely tired this weekend and I’m not sure why. I haven’t even stayed up late on either Friday or Saturday night like I usually do. Now that Christmas is over, I have no use for Winter or snow! I want Spring and sunshine to bring my energy back!

There have been words again this week between my husband and I that aren’t really anything new..but put me back closer to that negative place I get when I sit back and look at how unfulfilling my relationship with him is. The thing is I do love him and am afraid to be without him and yet deep down I feel that it is this negative relationship that holds me back from growing.

Uggghhh!! I wasn’t gonna go there…too late now..

I’ve been pondering thoughts about:

Sorry Sybil showed up at my blog!

Hey guys,

This blog is just to thank all of you who took the time and thought to respond to my 2 panicky blogs from the weekend. I am a very emotional person with huge ups and downs and I show those feelings the most right here in my blogs. Your comments were heartfelt and made me happy to know that you all cared and didn’t just run away when you saw Sybil had taken over my blog for the moment. Although I am joking, it does indeed sometimes feel like there is another crazy person living within me… I don’t have multiple personalities though, I’m just manic depressive. And once I’ve spewed all the hate, fear and frustration, I usually feel better.

Luckily this was the case by Saturday night. I had red chapped skin under my eyes from crying, but 5 hours of marathon Christmas shopping and 2 hours of marathon gift wrapping…and I felt much better.

Things are better at home, not cured- but better. Things are also going good at school this week. My son is very sick with a fever and virus but I know he’ll be on the mend soon. For now, Gwen is back! Life is good…

Bless you all for caring about me

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Did no good…

The letter nor our talks have done any good. I figured as much. I feel soooooooooooooooo HORRIBLE again!!! I don’t know what I can do or how long I can continue to go on like this. My head is pounding, I know my blood pressure is sky high. I’ve been crying loud, sobbing cries all day so far. In between, I’ve only brought my daughter back and forth to dance class and in about a half hour I have to bring her to the mall for a dance presentation they’re doing there. My parents just got back from Florida and are meeting us at the mall to see her dance. I hate to have them see me like this too because I hate to admit it, but my Mom is much like my husband in the sense that she only wants to be in my presence and support when things are good. She has no patience with me and my negative feelings.

What’s left for a girl to do…..

Pray, Pray and Pray some more….

I sooooo Need God today and please send me some angels to lift me up. I’m getting way too low again God. I’m sorry for all of the ways I’ve dissappointed you .

A letter to my husband

How can you say these hurtful things to me? And still say you love me??

 

“I just want you to say everything is good”

(Asking me to lie when I’m feeling horrible just to make you feel better is a pretty hard and selfish thing to ask I feel)

“I don’t have time to worry about all my problems and yours too.”

(Un excuse me, this is what marriage is all about! What exactly are your reasons for being married if it’s not to have a soul mate, someone who cares and would do anything for you)

“Oh but it’s ok for you to treat me like that because you have a mental illness.”

(Ouch! Talk about throwing it in my face that you don’t really see this as a real disability. You really have no idea what it’s like to be me or to struggle with this every day)

 

Did you forget how bad you felt when we weren’t going to be together anymore? Did you forget how good it felt when we were getting along so well and I was constantly hugging, kissing you??

 

Yes it’s a 2 way street as you say and on your side of the street, what have you done for me lately??

 

We both work, I do the laundry, I clean the house, I take care of the kids 95% of the time, if either of us cooks it’s me, I do the grocery shopping, the Christmas shopping.

 

You work and work ….and take care of the kids 5% of the time.

 

And all I asked was for you to hear me out and maybe give me a hug from time to time. You could have ended this before it started last week when I started feeling horrible about work. It was only work then, things at home were still great. I couldn’t wait till you got home at night so I could cuddle up to you and take the energy from your hugs to try to help me get through the next day.

 

Now I have nothing going well for me. Work sucks, home life sucks, I have nobody to comfort me, I’m alone all the time with the kids, I have no hobbies, no passions, nothing to look forward to. And oh yea, Christmas is 10 days away and I’ve barely started shopping.

 Geesh, it really is a mystery why I am depressed!

The latest..

So this morning I try to talk to him and I say “It just sucks that I’ve realized again that my husband doesn’t love or care about me.” He says “I do but it’s a 2 way street. You want me to be nice to you. You have to be nice to me too. Oh but I know, you don’t have to be nice because you have a mental illness, right?”

I say “No! Why is it complete strangers understand me better than you do?” He says “Because they don’t live with you and have to deal with you everyday.”

I say “I can’t live like this.”

He walks out the door to go to work……..

Friday fog

TGIF!! I started my period finally today, while sort of anyway. About time, 2 weeks late. So I feel so crampy and bloated and sluggish. I really wish I could have a big hug from my old husband…:( No not a prior marriage- the one he used to be before he made my depression “All about him!” I like that Cheetah, I got that from your comment!

I got to go to a NCBI conference today. It was a nice day. These conferences are about respecting diversity and ending bullying. There were lots of good activities and it was a great climate and a chance to see the students and have them see us in a different light. In a group of about 35 students, about 7 of them were my students. We all got those cool stretchy bracelets with the word tolerance on them. I plan to wear mine if I can remember. I have so much that I want to say about the conference and the feelings that I encountered today, but I think I may need to process some thoughts first.

Did I mention that Riss and her friends are going on a Limo ride tonight? Some kids’ parents are crazy but she was invited so I’m going to let her have the experience. Her friend’s Mom hired a limo as a gift for her 6th grader getting good grades the first marking period! OOOOOO KKKKKKKK I think it’s silly and a waste of money but who am I to say. I just think that what will these kids have to look forward to and how much bigger will this reward have to get over the years if they start with things like this? I mean I went in my first limo at the Jr. Prom! And I know many people that didn’t even go in a limo then.

Still shitty on the home front. Don’t know how to make it better. He is the only person that I just can’t get through to sometimes. It’s like I say black , he says white and we never get to grey and he never converts to seeing things my way. I’m sick of compromising my needs and I shouldn’t have to. I wish I knew exactly what to say to him to make him understand how awful the things he’s been saying make me feel. Like “I don’t have time to worry about all my problems and yours too.” and “I just want you to say that everything is good.”

Well I’m depressed but at least it’s Friday. Maybe I should turn the sad music off for tonight…

Not again!

Last year at this time, every part of my life was a mess!

My marriage had fallen apart and we were just hanging on by a worn out thread, my job gave me anxiety attacks and needless to say my depression wasn’t even close to be controlled.

Just when I thought it was safe to come out (of my depressive shell) and work on making me a better ME, everything feels like it’s crashing down on me. “Feels like” is the operative word here.  Work as you know has been horrible. Today I dealt with bullying, parents and students that feel it’s ok to yell across the room to other students while I am teaching! I talked to a couple of my co-workers that I’m comfy with today before my break. It wasn’t planned but it just came out. They both had supportive things to say, which is certainly more than I can say about my husband.  Two pieces of advice that I took from them today are: 1. I made the first step to have a meeting between myself, one of the worst problematic students and the guidance counselor.     2. I’m going to a Bullying conference on Friday. Not only will it get me out of the negative environment to do something new and fresh but I will hopefully also learn a thing or two about dealing with bullies. Heck maybe I’ll even learn to stand up for myself because I’m sure those being bullied will be taught this skill (I would think).

So I come home on my break feeling sick to my stomach. I called my husband because I noticed Kev had forgotten the goodies to bring to the office staff. Normally I wouldn’t have called him since we went to  bed on bad terms last night. He came home at 10 p.m. and I wanted to talk to him about the crap on my mind that you all know more about than he does! But when I started, he reverted to the old husband. He’s all like “Well it’s a good job and I already told you to do what you want. You don’t have to like what you do!” What??? Who is he to say?? He’s the one with the job where he has no benefits, sick time or any chance of future promotions!! But why??? Because he loves it!!! This is the husband that I left and wanted to divorce until he changed his evil ways. He seemed o.k. today though and after the discussion about the goodies he said “How has your day been so far?” I answered “Not good but don’t worry about it.” I mean I know he doesn’t want to hear me complain! But yet he asks!! So I begin to tell him what had conspired in the morning. I didn’t even get to the part about talking to some of my colleagues. I guess he got irritated when I said “It feels like everything is closing in on me.” He yelled back angrily “Oh come on!! Stop that, you’re being ridiculous!” So I did what most wives in my position would do—I said “OK sorry I talked to you about it AGAIN” and I hung up!!

So that is where I’m at now. The school day is over Thank God and even though I have to work at home both with family chores and school chores, I was originally looking forward to spending time with my husband tonight since he works ridiculous hours! But now, like the old Gwen, I want nothing to do with him. What the hell do I have a husband for if he won’t even listen to my worries and concerns without making me feel like dirt?

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