Day 4-I lost my head

Our last full day at OLCC wasn’t what I hoped it would be.  I woke up to both the kids in our villa. Well the girls were inside and the two boys were outside fishing again. We ran out a couple of times to take pics of their fish and again we were just so happy that everyone was actually treating eachother with kindness (like family especially should).

After not too long, Kev came in pouting and saying Justin was yelling at him. We weren’t real alarmed as Kev has a short fuse and we figure that Kev probably deserved it. Mom went to the driving range and then my 2 cousins (the parents) asked took Rissa to the lazy river and said they’d meet us there. The rest of us were showering and not yet ready to go. 

Over the past few days Mom and I were desperately calling the airline to try to make it so we could all go home on the same flight. Originally Al wasn’t going so when I made the reservation, I could get us the same day but not same flight. Mom didn’t want to take two trips to the airport (10 am and 8 pm) and I was getting more and more anxious about flying just me and the kids.  We hadn’t had any luck and it was making me just edgy for lack of a better word.

It was getting hotter and the sun was out so I was itching to go to the pool and meet everyone but needed to wait for Mom to get back from the driving range. I was very relieved to finally get to the pool. We met up with Riss, my cousins and some friends of theirs (a couple and twin 13 year old boys). The woman they were with was very friendly and chatty and she is also a teacher so we were gabbing for a while. As a matter of fact, we chatted so much that I lost track of where Kev was in the pool area. We all took off looking for him frantically and I was the one to spy him. Actually he found me with the help of a real nice family that said they found him a little disoriented in another part of the pool. We were lucky to have our little, scared boy back and a lesson was learned.  He wanted to get a tattoo so we walked over but there was a 30 min. wait and then he wouldn’t be able to swim for a while after that. So he settled for getting some lunch and a soda near the pool. After a while, the girls (11 and 14) went to play in the nearby sand and hammocks and asked Kev to come with them. I knew they would take care of him. So even though the sun had a long time ago gone back in, I was starting to relax and socialize again. When all of a sudden, we hear Kev come back crying. One of the 13 yr. old twins was a bit ahead of him and we see Kev trying to hit him! We had no idea what was going on and both Al and I jumped up to the rescue and pulled Kev away from this teen who was now yelling “What did I do?” The girls were shortly after and were trying to give us some information while both boys were still yelling. Well when it came down to it, Kev turned and I saw the biggest welt going across his whole back that I had ever seen in my life! It extended at least 8 inches and it was very raised! And to top it all off, Kev thought the 13 yr. old boy did it, but it turned out to be his cousin Justin (12) that had done it. He had thrown as hard as he could a hard plastic rocket at Kevin’s back just to be a show off. Well he comes up ignoring the fact that Kev is crying and what really ticked me off was that he had a huge smile on his face and was giggling! Man my blood pressure just boiled and I said to his Mom “Look at what Justin just did to Kevin! He’s got a huge welt on my back!”. I expected that she would discipline him and that the smile would be wiped off his smug face and when it didn’t happen, I flipped a lid! Mother’s instincts I guess- nobody messes with my kids! I raised my voice angrily and said to him “Look what you have done to your cousin! What are you smiling about? He loves you to death and this is what you do?? You know he idolizes you! He’s 7 and you are 12!” . By this time he had started to cry a little and sorry if I’m horrible but I was glad the smile was off his face. His Mom looked at me like I was the devil and I just continued in my rage “Good, you should cry after what you’ve done to him!”. Then Al decided to take Kev in the cold water to make the welt go down a bit and I followed because I knew I needed to cool down a bit! After about 30 minutes in the pool as a family, and his welts only slightly smaller, we decided it was time to get out. Al made Kev do the right thing and apologize to the teen who wasn’t actually responsible for Kev’s back. He walked right over and apologized and so did the 13 year old, but I heard not a thing from Justin. This kept me enraged and memories of my childhood and being bullied around by Justin’s father came back to me and I remember why for years I hadn’t wanted to go to OLCC.

I just allowed it to consume me and I’m not happy necessarily with how I reacted. I couldn’t bring myself to even say “see you later” to my cousins before we left and they said nothing either even though they were originally our ride home. My Mom came to get us and bring us back to my Grandparent’s villa and I just closed myself in the bedroom. I sat alone with my hurt and anger. I tried to read for a while and just get it out of my mind but I couldn’t. The tears kept coming to my eyes and eventually I rolled over and was going to nap. My Mom came in and I pushed her away. My husband came in and I pushed him away. I was almost asleep when there was a small knock on the door. It was Justin’s mom (my cousin’s wife). She said “Gwen are you sleeping?” I said with a creaky voice “Just resting.” She didn’t open the door but just said “I just wanted to let you know that Justing apologized to Kevin.” I simply said “Thank you.” and her “You’re welcome”. I felt slightly better but it was enough to make me feel extremely depressed for the rest of the evening. We were originally all going to Disney Village that night but needless to say plans changed. Everyone went in different directions and we ended up going with my mom for the crappiest dinner in history that did not settle right with me.

I went to bed knowing that tomorrow morning we would be leaving OLCC and going back to my Mom and Dad’s for our true last day of vacation (even though I let myself end it in my mind before this). I chose to let this ruin my vacation. I need to stop giving people this power over me. Recognizing it is the first step.

Day 2-No sun

It can’t always be blue skies and butterflies!

But somehow this is what we expect during vacation. So the weather called for sunny and hot but it was sooo not! Therefore we were kinda wishing we would have went to Disney. It wasn’t a total loss though. The cousins played very well together. The girls played tennis and the boys fished. My son was in his glory to be getting some attention from his cousin Justin (12- same grade as Riss). Even though these guys live only a mile from us, we barely see them for reasons that will appear more clearly in an upcoming post. It was so cute at one point when Justin’s Dad said to him about something “That’s real smart!” Kev sticks up for him and says “He IS really smart. He taught me everything I know! Except for biking!” We all got a kick out of that and thought it was so cute. My Mom also brought Kev to the driving range and I guess he did really good. I stuck with miniature golf with my cousins and was really surprised that I did so well. I was just getting lucky shot after shot and it was kinda funny cuz I usually really stink at it! Justin ended up quitting because he was losing and said I was cheating. I laughed it off knowing he’s just a poor sport, kid. His mom was laughing too.

Just as we thought it may be getting nice enough to go to the pool for a bit, it started sprinkling so we just sat at the villa for a while. I colored and visited with my grandparents. Then eventually we did go spend about an hour in the shady coolness at the pool.

We ate dinner in again and my Mom was tired and the kids wanted to stay and play with their cousins. So just Al and I went out and browsed some souvenir shops to pass the time. I got a cute pug key holder and a couple cute bracelets real cheap (one made of shell and the other two silver plated dolphins that come together at the top).

On this night the kids were invited to stay the night at my cousins villa and I was already thinking about vacation ending and going home. I’m a creature of habit I guess and if I’m not in the sun, it’s not vacation in Florida to me.

Day 2-OLCC

Tuesday morning we packed back up and drove to Orlando to stay with my grandparents at Orange Lakes Country Club, a beautiful resort (way too rich for my blood but not for the blood of most of my family members). Regardless I was really looking forward to going since this is a place I grew up visiting every February since I was 8 years old. It has changed so much but still has a way of making me feel so pampered. The villas are amazing, the pools are extravagent and I just love to be able to have a strawberry daquiri poolside. For me, this is Florida- this is vacation.

It was only about 60 or so but sunny and it always seems to feel hotter poolside! We went to the lazy river pool which is longer than any one I’ve seen at an amusement park. We rented the kids a double tube. I went in with them for a bit and then just layed out and listened to my music, read my book… LOVELY! By the end of the afternoon, Kev had gotten a rash from his bathing suit and even though we were inside a resort, the pool was still at least 3 miles from our villa so we couldn’t just easily walk back. So we had to wait for my Mom to get back from shopping to pick us up and it was a long hour while Kev cried and the kids fought.

After eating dinner that my Gram made and showering, we went to Old Town (another blast from my past). We looked around at a few shops and the rest of the gang rode go-carts and other rides. I played the carnival squirt gun game with Riss. She won a pink monkey. We were back home early, tired and in bed by 10:00. We got to see my cousins for a few minutes before bed. They had been to Sea World all day.

We had planned to use our free tix to Disney the next day but the kids decided to put it off to the next day (but then the next day decided they didn’t want to go at all…do you believe it??)

Day 1-my vacation

Our 6 day vacation has been a blur and I want to catch you all up on the life of *G* (lol) before I go back to work (ack!) tomorrow.

Monday morning we went to breakfast before getting ready to go to the airport. Our driveway was pure ice from all the weather while we were sick for what seemed to be forever. We were supposed to drop the 3 dogs off to my sister’s and I thought she was off of work. Turned out to be a big misunderstanding which turned into a huge fight between my sister and I on the morning of our trip. I tried calling her cell and house phone and when I didn’t get an answer I left a message that I would leave the dogs to be picked up at sometime later in their cages at my house. This made my sis very mad (I guess she was already having a bad day) so we turned back around from our trip to the airport and brought the dogs and their cage to her house. Both she and my BIL hung up on me so I was very upset and crying most of my way to the airport. In the emotional state I had already been in, I was just feeling like everyone hated me and I was wishing that I was just back here in my bed with my blog friends. Then I just couldn’t wait to get on the plane and be on my way. I was fine at the airport and then after I took Riss to the bathroom, suddenly a panic attack came over me and I had no control. It was actually pretty embarrassing as I couldn’t breathe, was coughing like a maniac, tears running down my eyes, trying to make it stop by sipping water from a water fountain near by. I managed to ask Riss to go get me some paper towel and I chewed up an anxiety pill. After what seemed like an eternity, I was okay to walk further and go through the security gate. My husband stayed away from me which made me sad that he didn’t try to help but instead made me feel like I was embarrassing him.

So we were ready for our flight which should have left at 12:55 but couldn’t land to pick us up until 40 minutes later due to fog. I sat with Riss on the plane and Al sat with Kev. They had dramamine so we didn’t have repeat episodes of motion sickness. The flight was fine, even though we arrived almost an hour late. My mom was real worried and very relieved to hear our voice. It took no time at all to get our bags and another 40 minute drive brought us to my Mom and Dad’s house in Winterhaven. Dad made us reservations and we went out for a yummy dinner which was fabulous since we hadn’t eaten since breakfast.

This pretty much ended our first day of vacation (travel). I slept in till about 9:30 the next morning.

to be continued…

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Free thought

Something’s bothering me today. I’m not as positive as I have been every other day this week. I thought I would blog it out and then try to let it go, remembering tomorrow is a new day!

I woke up in an alright mood dispite not sleeping well last night. At 3:30 I was t0tally awake. I ate a cereal bar for breakfast and headed to work. The students were at their wost today unfortunately and it started right away in my first class where they are usually the highlight of my day. The classes got more unruly from here (all down hill I’d say). Then my mentor wanted to discuss my observation from the a.p. after my classes were over. I didn’t feel like it but said yes of course. Then as usual…she forgot me and I had to come hunting her down. She was happy about what the a.p. said about my lesson but also added a reccomendation of her own. She noted that she’s seen me sometimes end the class like 3 mins. early and she explained why I shouldn’t. It’s no big deal and usually I’m good at accepting constructive criticism, but I just wasn’t today. I wanted to stay positive and after this meeting (in addition to the way the classes went) I just couldn’t.

So I came home for a quick lunch of Healthy Choice soup and went back to work at the other school. It was much of the same even though I had already changed plans to something I thought they’d be more cooperative with since yesterday’s lesson went crummy. I was trying to give them a break since they had state testing in the morning.

I started changing sheets and mopping floors the minute I got home. I had noticed how filthy the house was when I came home to eat. I just threw in some laundry and here I sit, wanting to feel better like I have in recent days.

It hasn’t happened yet LOL

Must be I have more dirt to get rid of inside of me…

I’m disappointed that I really am getting less and less comfortable expressing myself on my other blog. There is one person in particular whose comments on my articles are getting me down. It’s not that the person is saying anything necessarily bad but I can just tell he/she doesn’t understand and I write for myself first and to connect with people who understand second.

I’m sick of my husband being gone almost every night. I’m sick of feeling like I have to take care of the whole household and kids by myself every night. It’s bad enough that he works his regular job until about 6:30 but then he works after work as well. I’ve even accepted that he does this but the part that really ticks me off is when he says that he’s NOT working on a particular night and then still doesn’t get home until after 8:00.

Reflections of the week so far

I’ve had a very good, positive week so far. I’ve been making wise food choices (90% of the time). Monday I did an aerobic video and yesterday I did a weight routine and push ups. I’m trying to stick to not eating past 7:00 and most nights it’s not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I’m also trying to not skip meals anymore. Today I missed lunch though but I’ll be back on track with 3 small meals tomorrow.

I had an observation yesterday and in my post observation today, my supervisor had all good things to say to me. It was such a great feeling. I continue to connect with more and more students each day. He called this time of year “Pay-off time” and I couldn’t agree more. In other words, since Sept. I have been building relationships with these kids and teaching them. It took a half of year, but I’m finally starting to see the results of my persistence not only in their achievement but also in their attitudes.

My Mom still thinks I should go to the surgery consult. She thinks that my weight is 90% of the reason for my depression. I really don’t agree that it’s that big of a role. It does play a role but not that much. If I had to list reasons for my depression in order of big affect to small, they would be:

1. Chemical (Nature- both my sister and my Mom suffer or have from depression and are on meds)
2. My marriage (I’ll leave this one as is for no, no need to explain)
3. My belief in myself (this is where weight would come into play along with self-esteem and other related garb)
4. My job as both teacher and parent (lacking the ability to be authoritative- Possibly caused by #3)

Buddy, a tribute

Throughout my childhood we had a white poodle named Josh. He was a great dog but when his seizure disorder finally caused all of his systems to shut down, we were all heartbroken. My father who proclaims himself to not “care about having pets” was probably hurting the most. Fpr this reason he told me Mom “no more pets!” But in Mom’s true fashion, she decided to go against his wishes and bring home a baby Boston Terrier just a few months later. I think I was in 11th grade.

It didn’t take long for this small, beautiful, ball of fur had won over all of our hearts (including my Dad’s). This dog could do no wrong in any of our eyes. He had such a big personality for a little dog! I can remember like it was yesterday: my sister and I waiting till Buddy was in a deep sleep and snoring pretty good, then his tongue would come out and he would begin to suck. Then we used to love to stick our finger in his lil mouth and he would suck like he was nursing. I can still see and hear my Dad in my mind say “Buddy, stop staring at me!”. LOL My dad and he had a great relationship and Buddy would sit and stare at Dad until he got up to get him a bone or whatever else he may have wanted. My Dad taught him to do a pretty cute trick with his favorite, green milkbones. Dad called it “walrus” as he would let Dad put a treat under each side of his jowels so they were sticking down like Walrus teeth! And Buddy would just leave them there and show them off until we said “okay”.

Buddy was my baby, my best buddy, sleeping partner, confidant and so much more. I think one of the hardest parts of leaving for college was leaving Buddy. I did however bring with me a 16×20 pic of me holding him and giving him a big smooch though! He was the first dog I ever kissed on the lips! (but not the last lol) My first night at SUNY Albany was hard for many reasons, but I really missed my Buddy. My husband (boyfriend at the time) drove 5+ hours total the day after they dropped me off just to sneak Buddy in and let me have some love time with my boy! (tears are starting, I miss him more than I remembered)

Buddy was a friend to everybody and impacted many of my family member’s lives. Even my grandfather on my Dad’s side just loved Buddy to pieces. He wasn’t around much as we were growing up but as he aged and had many health struggles and close calls with death, my Grandfather started hanging out with our family more. One memory I have is that my Grandpa always wore a certain kind of hat (almost like a beret but I can’t think of the name) and as he got older, he walked with a cane. Somehow Buddy and my Grandpa came up with the game of Buddy jumping on his lap and swiping his hat. My grandpa thought this was just the best! Buddy never went far with it, just far enough so Grandpa could get it back with his cane. Buddy gave my Grandpa many smiles over his last year or so.

When I got married, I would have loved to take Buddy with me but I of course didn’t because he was everybody’s “Buddy”. But believe me, I visited and loved him up frequently. I have wedding photos of me and Buddy. I couldn’t have been closer to any person than I was my dog.

Ten years of marriage went by and many things changed. Buddy got older, lost his eyesight, many of his teeth were falling out and he no longer was the clean, house-trained pup he once was, but I still saw that spry puppy with a sparkle in his eye.

My parents moved into an apartment and couldn’t keep him anymore. His demise was hard on my parents of course. I took my boy in and nursed him through every last day he had with me. I fed him like a King and it didn’t matter how many things were ruined with urine as long as he was happy and pain free. Things can be replaced but my time with my Buddy was precious.

It’s been about four years since Buddy went to doggy heaven and most likely met up with Josh and many other great pups. I still miss him so much. No matter how great my fur babies are today, none will replace my bestest “Buddy” in the whole wide world.

I took a picture of a picture of me in 12th grade with Buddy. I wanted to share him with you.

Snowy New Year!

<p><a href=http://www.glitter-mess.com><img src=http://dl7.glitter-graphics.net/pub/858/858047f6wxxvzw2p.gif width=400 height=374 border=0></a><br><a href=http://www.glitter-works.org target=_blank>glitter-graphics.com</a><br>We got about 10 inches of snow yesterday and it’s snowing to beat he!! right now! We could get up to another foot. <br><br>I’m feeling much better about myself and life in general today. We took the four wheel drive out to breakfast and went to pick up Riss from my husband’s Dad’s house. At 3ish we’re going over to my sis’ to have a steak dinner and play Sing Star on the Play Station. I’m looking forward to that. My parents and grandparents are having turkey dinner in Florida. <br><br>So tomorrow is back to school! Got to get up early! I have to force myself to try to go to bed at a reasonable hour. This long break has been one of weird sleeping hours for me.<br><br>The only things I really need to do before school tomorrow are take care of some clean clothes and go over my lesson plans and pack my school bag. That shouldn’t take long. I have to have my mentor observe me either this week or next. I’m not looking forward to it but I’ll be glad when it’s over. </p>

Saturday morning rash

Last night was another night of falling asleep fine but waking up in the middle of the night and tossing and turning, not being able to sleep. Need a drink, got to pee, dogs are snoring, can’t get comfortable…
I tried going over and hugging up on my husband. Sometimes if anxiety is the reason I can’t sleep, feeling his body warmth soothes me. It didn’t work, but he responded by turning over and hugging me too. After another half hour of that, I finally got up (still dark)! You all know how unlike me this is! I really like to sleep! I made coffee, did a load of laundry, went up to my office for a few minutes. Kev was already awake of course so he chatted me up for a while. Then the dogs noticed I was up and wanted to go out and potty. All this and my husband didn’t even need to get up for work yet! LOL

After he left, I had to get Riss ready for dance. Today she has a clinic from 10-3 so I had to pack her lunch and snacks. While we were out, Kev asked me if he had bumps on his neck and I see that he’s all broken out in an allergic rash. I don’t know if it was due to it being a new shirt (unwashed) or because of the strong smelling fabric softner I’m using. I’m not sure if this new shirt he had on had been washed yet or not. So we came right back home and he hopped in the tub and the itchy rash seemed to be going away.

I’m not sure what I’ll do for the rest of the day. I’ve got a few coulds, a couple of shoulds and a whole bunch of “who the heck cares if I get it done today or tomorrow!” LOL

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Christmas 2007

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Garbage bags full of pretty papers and cardboard boxes, quiet houses, kids playing with new Christmas toys, tired parents…

All signs that Christmas day has come and gone once again, but what will you remember about Christmas 2007?

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This Christmas Eve was the first in our 12 years of marriage that my husband hasn’t had to work. Nonetheless, it went by just as fast as ever. He got up to chop ice in the morning before his Dad was due to come over and exchange gifts and as soon as he stepped outside, he slipped and went down hard on the icy pavement. This put a small damper on the day as he was in some pain of course. After his Dad, step mom and my niece came over, I went over to my sister’s to say hello to her inlaws. The kids and Al stayed home. When I got back, everyone was resting. Kev slept for quite a while but that was probably a good thing. I finished my cooking and cleaning and before I knew it, my parents were here to exchange gifts and spend the evening together with us. My sis was a couple hours later because she went to the airport to pick up a friend and the plane was 2 hours late. My husband had a few friends stop over. The one friend I invited couldn’t make it because sadly she is the one who lost her Dad this holiday. It was after 10 before everyone left. This was the latest my kids have ever been up on Christmas Eve. I was sooo tired and while we were waiting for the kids to fall asleep, my husband fell asleep too. I cleaned up from the party, carried up the gifts from the basement and out of our room to the tree. I took a few pictures and my husband woke up enough to come out and tell me how nice it all looked. I had trouble falling asleep even though I was exhausted. I watched Midnight mass, wished Jesus a Happy Birthday and prayed before sleep eventually took over. I woke many times though, kind of like I used to when I was an anxious child waiting for Santa to arrive.

Kev woke up first as usual and woke us up at 7:30 to tell us Santa came and to ask LOL why Santa didn’t wrap his big remote control truck! Funny kid! I said he probably ran out of paper hehe. The kids had the best Christmas they ever had (their words). My Mom stayed a long time in the morning playing with the kids toys. The Wii is especially a big hit. Al’s Mom and my sister and Flan came over also. I love that they take the time to do this and have Christmas morning with us. When they all left, me and Al snoozed for about an hour before getting up and showering to get ready for dinner at my Mom’s. My cousin M stopped with his daughter to see all the toys the kids got and then we all headed over for a delicious dinner at Mom’s. We had italian for Christmas this year. This was a first for us. We had shrimp cocktail for an appetizer and then a big yummy salad and the main course was lasagna and spaghetti with homemade sauce filled with yummy meats. We all hung out and chatted for a while. My husband fell asleep again LOL I’ve never seen him sleep so much! Then we all got ready to head out as my parents were going to take a nap before heading out for their long drive to Florida (sad). I wish they were staying at least until we all went back to school.

When we got home, my husband relaxed in front of the t.v. and asked me to sit with him but my Christmas night routine doesn’t end until everything is in its place and rather neat. That took quite a few hours as usual but it’s so rewarding to see a nice, clean house and all of our pretty ,new things put away.