Thinking while blogging, people can’t be defined

In thinking of all the ways I classify myself, I also think of how I choose to reveal only certain aspects of who I feel I am to different people. I believe I try to read the person I’m talking to in search of how much they can handle. And then there are situations or places where I put on a certain persona to everyone I see there. The reasons vary from wanting to fit in, ideciding if it’s socially acceptable in the particular environment, sharing my personal life on a need to know basis etc. Even though I may have 15 personas (just a random guess), I like to think that I am not lying to anybody about who I am.

It is all me. Every one of my masks if you will is non-judgemental, compassionate, caring, sensitive, unconfident and spiritual.

People really can’t be defined according to groups they identify with. People are very complex (as we well know). Can we ever really completely know a person? Do we even really completely know ourselves? I think we hope to keep learning ourselves and I know that we are constantly changing according to our experiences and thoughts.

If you like a person, do you like them because of their personal qualities?

non-judgemental, compassionate, caring, sensitive, unconfident and spiritual

Or because of the groups they identify with?

Mother

Wife

Teacher

Christian

Dog Lover

Butterfly collector

Angel Believer

Has danced on a bar table

Donates to many charities

Book lover

Music lover

Has been unfaithful

Is bisexual

Afraid of mice

Likes to Crochet

Likes to Cross-stitch

What if you share 10 of the 15 groups with this friend but then suddenly find out that there are another 5 that you don’t identify with or feel are wrong?

Do you still like this person or does it change your opinion?

For every person, there would be a different answer to this question so I’m not really posing these questions. In fact I really don’t know what my point is…lol…I guess I’m just thinking out loud.

Just Breathe

During the year of 2006 when my marriage was at its worse and so was my depression, I was lucky enough to meet a wonderful friend online. It was her who carried me through when I couldn’t carry myself. It was her voice and her words, through the phone and emails. One of the things she used to say to me was “Just breathe…” and it really helped. And every time I heard this song by Anna Nalik, I would think of her and feel better.

The song became less popular and hasn’t been on the radio as much and for a while her and I didn’t really talk and our friendship was sort of lost. I always remember her in my heart though and luckily over the past several months her and I have been rebuilding our friendship. I’m very thankful for this and she knows this.

Well yesterday, I heard this song twice while I was in the car for just a short time. Then last night I had a crazy dream and I only remember bits and pieces but I remember she and many other people were there. She was line dancing and if you knew her that’s kinda funny! LOL I remember at one point there was a piece of paper and she pointed and it was a graphic with the words “Just Breathe!”

When I remembered this today, I figured it was the thought of the day since I’ve been so grumpy. So here I sit, taking a break and breathing, while listening to one of my all time favorite songs.

Thankful for friends, the angels who help us fly when our wings are broken…

glitter-graphics.com

OMG!!! I did not make that graphic and when I searched friends/angels this is what came up. Look at the name.

What could I do? Part 1

In my mind I feel that I would love to not have to work, but financially and realistically- I need to work. It’s weird because I would’ve never thought of myself as someone who would not want to work. I was always very motivated and had my first job when I was fourteen. I started a bank account right away and by the time I was around seventeen I had saved enough to pay cash for a brand new car. I was pretty frugal I guess. I remember buying a standard because it was cheaper, even though I had never driven one before. In retrospect, it was a pretty effective way to learn LOL.  Anyways, I digress… I guess my desire “not to work” has mainly come about due to my worsening depression and becoming a Mom.

I think back and remember that I never minded going to work anywhere but school. Yes some days I come home feeling great but most days, the students behavior makes me feel completely inadequate. I’ve never dreaded going to work the way I some days do every since I began teaching six years ago. For one reason I suppose is that it is the first job that I couldn’t/ wouldn’t just up and quit because I disliked it or it was hard. Afterall I’ve spent 6 plus years in college and spend tons on tuition, housing and books. Plus you can’t shirk out on your responsiblilities, especially when your “customers” and your “product” are people. And if you leave somewhere in the middle of the year, you can pretty much kiss the idea of ever trying this career again goodbye!

My family and friends (and myself I suppose) keep saying that it will get easier. Perhaps I can see the improvement over my 5 or 6 years teaching but it’s just not enough improvement to make me want to get out of bed every day and go in to inspire the minds of young adults eager to learn (LOL…yes I think I started seriously but the sarcasm just snuck in). I don’t think I’m good at it even though I really am trying my best at all times. Sometimes my depression gets in the way and sometimes it is just hard to be good at all things I do. A woman especially I think, tends to spread herself to thin.. I have a majore character flaw that is not good for the teaching profession. I’m a real push over. I honestly do not try to be. No matter how hard I try, how many books I read, how many times I tell myself that I will not stand for being disrespected- the kids see right through it and know that my bark is worse than my bite.  I could go on with a million reasons but it all comes down to me feeling like I’m ripping off the students and I feel like I NEED a job that I can be passionate about. Like the saying goes (someting like this) “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life!”

But what could I do? What do I love, believe in or have passion for? And lastly Could I make a living doing it?

Things I love:

Dogs: Hmmm…Well I’m not up for going back to school to be a vet nor could I stand watching them suffer. I think I’d love to do what my sister does but unfortunately I couldn’t live on $10/ hour.  I don’t think there is much I could do that would make me able to care for my family.

Writing: If only blogging was a real job option! That would be a dream job! You know, sometimes I really envy all of you who can blog from work. I remember when I was at SUNY Potsdam studying Spanish that both my English and Spanish teachers had told me that I had potential as a journalist. I thought that was nice of them to say but I had chosen Spanish as my path. Now I wish I would have asked more questions about options in this field. Every time one of my friends or relatives needs a good persuasive or business letter written, they come to me. I guess some people think I have a knack for words and it’s something I definitely enjoy. Once again though, I don’t think it’s something I could make money at but I would love to be proved wrong. I don’t think a book is my thing. I’d love to do articles, blogs or other short pieces though.

How sad…I’m out of passions already! This is honestly all that comes to mind. Now I’ll go to things I’ve enjoyed doing in the past.

Medical Reception/ Insurance Referrals:  I’m not exactly sure what I liked about this job but I know I enjoyed  both jobs I had in this field and only left one to go to another for more money. I remember when I was little, I always pictured myself working in an office.  I liked that I could dress up, talk to people but still have my own little space/desk and I had a lot of fun with my coworkers.

O.k. I’ll keep thinking and have a part two about this eventually. I need to figure out how to be happy, feel good about the job I do and feel appreciated. But at the same time, I have to build a stable future for my family.