Someone pulled the plug..I’m drained

Much like watching the water spiral and go down the drain, I can feel all my energy and general spark being drained from my body. Most of it gone and what little is left is telling me to go to sleep and forget about the world for a while.

I despise feeling this way and rarely know where to start to try to understand why?? Why I let myself feel this way- Why I get so worked up- Why I’m not brave enough to stop doing the same thing over and over- Why I am the way that I am??

I’ll start with the part of my day that sent me over the edge and go backwards from there.

I came home on my break between schools which turned out to be the biggest mistake of the day. Even though my husband had snowblowed the 8 heavy, wet inches of snow in the driveway, it continues to fall and make more of a mess. I had 20 minutes to drive about 3 miles to the school but I spent 20+ being stuck in my driveway! I shoveled under my tires, I put rock salt near my tires, I called my sister and my husband, I cried, I called the school to tell them I was stuck and would be there a.s.a.p. (to bad the school secretarty-designated bitch of the building answered and made me feel more like shit) and then I called my sister again and told her to please head from where she was to get me. So 20 mins. into class, with teary eyes and a stuffy nose, I approach the school. I called my husband one last time to see if he could pick me and our daughter up a couple hours later (but he just “couldn’t get away” grrr!) so my sister agreed to come back and I walked to my classroom looking and feeling like a big, cry-baby fool.

When getting back home my husband called and I told him my sister brought us home and casually and calmly mentioned that we really should get someone to do our driveway on a regular basis like we used to.

Apparently I’d already used up all his patience (we all know how he can’t “deal” with me when I’m upset) because I was met with hostility at my suggestion and a “I’ll fucking be home after work to do it.” I was in no way blaming him and had already said this before his explosion. I should be used to this by now. Better yet, I should be gone and over this by now. I hung up on him and haven’t answered the call he returned to me or listened to the voice mail he sent me.

I’m drained. The plugs been pulled. Like the movie “The Incredible Shrinking Woman”, I’m going down the drain. Only I’m not yelling for help or fighting it. Maybe the pipes are better than the pool of water I’ve been sitting in.

Thinking while blogging, people can’t be defined

In thinking of all the ways I classify myself, I also think of how I choose to reveal only certain aspects of who I feel I am to different people. I believe I try to read the person I’m talking to in search of how much they can handle. And then there are situations or places where I put on a certain persona to everyone I see there. The reasons vary from wanting to fit in, ideciding if it’s socially acceptable in the particular environment, sharing my personal life on a need to know basis etc. Even though I may have 15 personas (just a random guess), I like to think that I am not lying to anybody about who I am.

It is all me. Every one of my masks if you will is non-judgemental, compassionate, caring, sensitive, unconfident and spiritual.

People really can’t be defined according to groups they identify with. People are very complex (as we well know). Can we ever really completely know a person? Do we even really completely know ourselves? I think we hope to keep learning ourselves and I know that we are constantly changing according to our experiences and thoughts.

If you like a person, do you like them because of their personal qualities?

non-judgemental, compassionate, caring, sensitive, unconfident and spiritual

Or because of the groups they identify with?

Mother

Wife

Teacher

Christian

Dog Lover

Butterfly collector

Angel Believer

Has danced on a bar table

Donates to many charities

Book lover

Music lover

Has been unfaithful

Is bisexual

Afraid of mice

Likes to Crochet

Likes to Cross-stitch

What if you share 10 of the 15 groups with this friend but then suddenly find out that there are another 5 that you don’t identify with or feel are wrong?

Do you still like this person or does it change your opinion?

For every person, there would be a different answer to this question so I’m not really posing these questions. In fact I really don’t know what my point is…lol…I guess I’m just thinking out loud.

Day 4-I lost my head

Our last full day at OLCC wasn’t what I hoped it would be.  I woke up to both the kids in our villa. Well the girls were inside and the two boys were outside fishing again. We ran out a couple of times to take pics of their fish and again we were just so happy that everyone was actually treating eachother with kindness (like family especially should).

After not too long, Kev came in pouting and saying Justin was yelling at him. We weren’t real alarmed as Kev has a short fuse and we figure that Kev probably deserved it. Mom went to the driving range and then my 2 cousins (the parents) asked took Rissa to the lazy river and said they’d meet us there. The rest of us were showering and not yet ready to go. 

Over the past few days Mom and I were desperately calling the airline to try to make it so we could all go home on the same flight. Originally Al wasn’t going so when I made the reservation, I could get us the same day but not same flight. Mom didn’t want to take two trips to the airport (10 am and 8 pm) and I was getting more and more anxious about flying just me and the kids.  We hadn’t had any luck and it was making me just edgy for lack of a better word.

It was getting hotter and the sun was out so I was itching to go to the pool and meet everyone but needed to wait for Mom to get back from the driving range. I was very relieved to finally get to the pool. We met up with Riss, my cousins and some friends of theirs (a couple and twin 13 year old boys). The woman they were with was very friendly and chatty and she is also a teacher so we were gabbing for a while. As a matter of fact, we chatted so much that I lost track of where Kev was in the pool area. We all took off looking for him frantically and I was the one to spy him. Actually he found me with the help of a real nice family that said they found him a little disoriented in another part of the pool. We were lucky to have our little, scared boy back and a lesson was learned.  He wanted to get a tattoo so we walked over but there was a 30 min. wait and then he wouldn’t be able to swim for a while after that. So he settled for getting some lunch and a soda near the pool. After a while, the girls (11 and 14) went to play in the nearby sand and hammocks and asked Kev to come with them. I knew they would take care of him. So even though the sun had a long time ago gone back in, I was starting to relax and socialize again. When all of a sudden, we hear Kev come back crying. One of the 13 yr. old twins was a bit ahead of him and we see Kev trying to hit him! We had no idea what was going on and both Al and I jumped up to the rescue and pulled Kev away from this teen who was now yelling “What did I do?” The girls were shortly after and were trying to give us some information while both boys were still yelling. Well when it came down to it, Kev turned and I saw the biggest welt going across his whole back that I had ever seen in my life! It extended at least 8 inches and it was very raised! And to top it all off, Kev thought the 13 yr. old boy did it, but it turned out to be his cousin Justin (12) that had done it. He had thrown as hard as he could a hard plastic rocket at Kevin’s back just to be a show off. Well he comes up ignoring the fact that Kev is crying and what really ticked me off was that he had a huge smile on his face and was giggling! Man my blood pressure just boiled and I said to his Mom “Look at what Justin just did to Kevin! He’s got a huge welt on my back!”. I expected that she would discipline him and that the smile would be wiped off his smug face and when it didn’t happen, I flipped a lid! Mother’s instincts I guess- nobody messes with my kids! I raised my voice angrily and said to him “Look what you have done to your cousin! What are you smiling about? He loves you to death and this is what you do?? You know he idolizes you! He’s 7 and you are 12!” . By this time he had started to cry a little and sorry if I’m horrible but I was glad the smile was off his face. His Mom looked at me like I was the devil and I just continued in my rage “Good, you should cry after what you’ve done to him!”. Then Al decided to take Kev in the cold water to make the welt go down a bit and I followed because I knew I needed to cool down a bit! After about 30 minutes in the pool as a family, and his welts only slightly smaller, we decided it was time to get out. Al made Kev do the right thing and apologize to the teen who wasn’t actually responsible for Kev’s back. He walked right over and apologized and so did the 13 year old, but I heard not a thing from Justin. This kept me enraged and memories of my childhood and being bullied around by Justin’s father came back to me and I remember why for years I hadn’t wanted to go to OLCC.

I just allowed it to consume me and I’m not happy necessarily with how I reacted. I couldn’t bring myself to even say “see you later” to my cousins before we left and they said nothing either even though they were originally our ride home. My Mom came to get us and bring us back to my Grandparent’s villa and I just closed myself in the bedroom. I sat alone with my hurt and anger. I tried to read for a while and just get it out of my mind but I couldn’t. The tears kept coming to my eyes and eventually I rolled over and was going to nap. My Mom came in and I pushed her away. My husband came in and I pushed him away. I was almost asleep when there was a small knock on the door. It was Justin’s mom (my cousin’s wife). She said “Gwen are you sleeping?” I said with a creaky voice “Just resting.” She didn’t open the door but just said “I just wanted to let you know that Justing apologized to Kevin.” I simply said “Thank you.” and her “You’re welcome”. I felt slightly better but it was enough to make me feel extremely depressed for the rest of the evening. We were originally all going to Disney Village that night but needless to say plans changed. Everyone went in different directions and we ended up going with my mom for the crappiest dinner in history that did not settle right with me.

I went to bed knowing that tomorrow morning we would be leaving OLCC and going back to my Mom and Dad’s for our true last day of vacation (even though I let myself end it in my mind before this). I chose to let this ruin my vacation. I need to stop giving people this power over me. Recognizing it is the first step.

Me night #2

Last night was “Me” night #2 and was very similar and just as satisfying as “Me” night #1. After bringing Riss to her Teen Town at school, I went over to my sister’s house. First I picked up some frozen pizza, brownies and 2 tall cans of beer (I’m a crazy one lol).

It felt soooo good again to be with just my sister. It’s amazing how we can make frozen pizza and E t.v. into one of the best nights ever. But that’s the beauty of sisters or best friends. Like someone said in my last post about me time, it’s so relaxing to know that we can be completely ourselves and not have to screen any of our thoughts before we speak or act on them, because we know everything about eachother and accept eachother as we are. Heck, we even love eachother to death despite all of our imperfections.

I didn’t come home until almost 10:30 and everyone was already asleep. I washed up and brushed my teeth, then I went to kiss both of the kids before getting in bed to watch a little t.v. My husband woke up for a little bit to ask me if I had a good time and what we did.

The best thing about it is that I only have to wait just a few more days to have the opportunity to do the same thing! It used to be months in between the times that we had a chance to hang out together (without kids, husbands etc.)

Just free to be ourselves and let our hairdown with our make-up off and just ….BE

if only the rain meant that the flowers were close behind

We have had sooo much rain this Winter. It’s another dreary, wet day. If only it meant that Spring was just around the corner! That would be awesome! But for a NY Winter we still have two more months with good possibilities of snow.

All that being said, the rain has not got me down today. The clouds are smiling at me and the rain isn’t made of tears. I had an awesome sleep last night and my day has been sweet. I was dreading meeting with my Mentor about the observation she did of me last week, because I’m always thinking the worst of myself.  But I couldn’t have been more wrong. She comes across as the “perfect teacher” and many new teachers are intimidated by her, but she had great things to say about me. I know many of you are going to say “I told you so” because you are all so kind and always say that you just “know” I’m a good teacher. For me though, I am always surprised to hear it. No matter how many people say it, I never get used to it. I always feel like “they’re going to find me out” and realize that I’ve been fooling people into thinking I was a good teacher all along.

So I thanked her so much and then I was mentioning what a cool feeling it was to be standing in the very building where I learned to speak Spanish from 9th to 12th grade. Unlike many Spanish teachers, I have no relatives who speak the language nor have I studied abroad.  I am truly a “product” of the school where I now teach and send my children (with of course my college studies). So she came up with a great idea and said I should be a guest speaker at the next Spanish Honor Society Meeting in March. She wants me to tell my story to inspire others. I’ll be very nervous but I’m excited about it as well. I’m going to have to think of a basic speech about what I’d like to say to them.

Free thought

Something’s bothering me today. I’m not as positive as I have been every other day this week. I thought I would blog it out and then try to let it go, remembering tomorrow is a new day!

I woke up in an alright mood dispite not sleeping well last night. At 3:30 I was t0tally awake. I ate a cereal bar for breakfast and headed to work. The students were at their wost today unfortunately and it started right away in my first class where they are usually the highlight of my day. The classes got more unruly from here (all down hill I’d say). Then my mentor wanted to discuss my observation from the a.p. after my classes were over. I didn’t feel like it but said yes of course. Then as usual…she forgot me and I had to come hunting her down. She was happy about what the a.p. said about my lesson but also added a reccomendation of her own. She noted that she’s seen me sometimes end the class like 3 mins. early and she explained why I shouldn’t. It’s no big deal and usually I’m good at accepting constructive criticism, but I just wasn’t today. I wanted to stay positive and after this meeting (in addition to the way the classes went) I just couldn’t.

So I came home for a quick lunch of Healthy Choice soup and went back to work at the other school. It was much of the same even though I had already changed plans to something I thought they’d be more cooperative with since yesterday’s lesson went crummy. I was trying to give them a break since they had state testing in the morning.

I started changing sheets and mopping floors the minute I got home. I had noticed how filthy the house was when I came home to eat. I just threw in some laundry and here I sit, wanting to feel better like I have in recent days.

It hasn’t happened yet LOL

Must be I have more dirt to get rid of inside of me…

I’m disappointed that I really am getting less and less comfortable expressing myself on my other blog. There is one person in particular whose comments on my articles are getting me down. It’s not that the person is saying anything necessarily bad but I can just tell he/she doesn’t understand and I write for myself first and to connect with people who understand second.

I’m sick of my husband being gone almost every night. I’m sick of feeling like I have to take care of the whole household and kids by myself every night. It’s bad enough that he works his regular job until about 6:30 but then he works after work as well. I’ve even accepted that he does this but the part that really ticks me off is when he says that he’s NOT working on a particular night and then still doesn’t get home until after 8:00.

Reflections of the week so far

I’ve had a very good, positive week so far. I’ve been making wise food choices (90% of the time). Monday I did an aerobic video and yesterday I did a weight routine and push ups. I’m trying to stick to not eating past 7:00 and most nights it’s not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I’m also trying to not skip meals anymore. Today I missed lunch though but I’ll be back on track with 3 small meals tomorrow.

I had an observation yesterday and in my post observation today, my supervisor had all good things to say to me. It was such a great feeling. I continue to connect with more and more students each day. He called this time of year “Pay-off time” and I couldn’t agree more. In other words, since Sept. I have been building relationships with these kids and teaching them. It took a half of year, but I’m finally starting to see the results of my persistence not only in their achievement but also in their attitudes.

My Mom still thinks I should go to the surgery consult. She thinks that my weight is 90% of the reason for my depression. I really don’t agree that it’s that big of a role. It does play a role but not that much. If I had to list reasons for my depression in order of big affect to small, they would be:

1. Chemical (Nature- both my sister and my Mom suffer or have from depression and are on meds)
2. My marriage (I’ll leave this one as is for no, no need to explain)
3. My belief in myself (this is where weight would come into play along with self-esteem and other related garb)
4. My job as both teacher and parent (lacking the ability to be authoritative- Possibly caused by #3)

Buddy, a tribute

Throughout my childhood we had a white poodle named Josh. He was a great dog but when his seizure disorder finally caused all of his systems to shut down, we were all heartbroken. My father who proclaims himself to not “care about having pets” was probably hurting the most. Fpr this reason he told me Mom “no more pets!” But in Mom’s true fashion, she decided to go against his wishes and bring home a baby Boston Terrier just a few months later. I think I was in 11th grade.

It didn’t take long for this small, beautiful, ball of fur had won over all of our hearts (including my Dad’s). This dog could do no wrong in any of our eyes. He had such a big personality for a little dog! I can remember like it was yesterday: my sister and I waiting till Buddy was in a deep sleep and snoring pretty good, then his tongue would come out and he would begin to suck. Then we used to love to stick our finger in his lil mouth and he would suck like he was nursing. I can still see and hear my Dad in my mind say “Buddy, stop staring at me!”. LOL My dad and he had a great relationship and Buddy would sit and stare at Dad until he got up to get him a bone or whatever else he may have wanted. My Dad taught him to do a pretty cute trick with his favorite, green milkbones. Dad called it “walrus” as he would let Dad put a treat under each side of his jowels so they were sticking down like Walrus teeth! And Buddy would just leave them there and show them off until we said “okay”.

Buddy was my baby, my best buddy, sleeping partner, confidant and so much more. I think one of the hardest parts of leaving for college was leaving Buddy. I did however bring with me a 16×20 pic of me holding him and giving him a big smooch though! He was the first dog I ever kissed on the lips! (but not the last lol) My first night at SUNY Albany was hard for many reasons, but I really missed my Buddy. My husband (boyfriend at the time) drove 5+ hours total the day after they dropped me off just to sneak Buddy in and let me have some love time with my boy! (tears are starting, I miss him more than I remembered)

Buddy was a friend to everybody and impacted many of my family member’s lives. Even my grandfather on my Dad’s side just loved Buddy to pieces. He wasn’t around much as we were growing up but as he aged and had many health struggles and close calls with death, my Grandfather started hanging out with our family more. One memory I have is that my Grandpa always wore a certain kind of hat (almost like a beret but I can’t think of the name) and as he got older, he walked with a cane. Somehow Buddy and my Grandpa came up with the game of Buddy jumping on his lap and swiping his hat. My grandpa thought this was just the best! Buddy never went far with it, just far enough so Grandpa could get it back with his cane. Buddy gave my Grandpa many smiles over his last year or so.

When I got married, I would have loved to take Buddy with me but I of course didn’t because he was everybody’s “Buddy”. But believe me, I visited and loved him up frequently. I have wedding photos of me and Buddy. I couldn’t have been closer to any person than I was my dog.

Ten years of marriage went by and many things changed. Buddy got older, lost his eyesight, many of his teeth were falling out and he no longer was the clean, house-trained pup he once was, but I still saw that spry puppy with a sparkle in his eye.

My parents moved into an apartment and couldn’t keep him anymore. His demise was hard on my parents of course. I took my boy in and nursed him through every last day he had with me. I fed him like a King and it didn’t matter how many things were ruined with urine as long as he was happy and pain free. Things can be replaced but my time with my Buddy was precious.

It’s been about four years since Buddy went to doggy heaven and most likely met up with Josh and many other great pups. I still miss him so much. No matter how great my fur babies are today, none will replace my bestest “Buddy” in the whole wide world.

I took a picture of a picture of me in 12th grade with Buddy. I wanted to share him with you.

Not the way one hopes to start a day

Oh my! It was one of those “nightmare mornings”! My alarm went off at 6:30 and I went to push the snooze (as I was very, very groggy) and I instead turned it off. So I usually leave at about 7:10 to drop Riss off and get to my school by 7:30, but today I woke up at 7:13!! And just to make things that much more interesting, Riss was still asleep too! Grr!!

Today was a day I wanted to get to school early but insted I was the latest ever! I needed to pick up papers in the copy room and fill all their homemade shoes with candy from los Tres Reyes Magos (3 Kings)! Luckily some early students helped me with this part.

I felt soo gross not being able to shower! Luckily the morning went by quick and I have a wonderful schedule so when I got home at 11:20, before going to M.S., I showered!! Now I feel a lil better and am almost ready for Part 2 of Monday!

It’s so upsetting that I bring in candy for everyone (again) and this time, not ONE student said thank you! I guess it’s my fault for still doing it even after they acted the same way last time. And in addition to no thanks, I had to fight them to pick up their wrapers etc. This is how kids get a bad name. Oh well! It’s just one day. I’m sure tomorrow will be better!

glitter-graphics.com

Sunday blabberings

After being on such a positive high earlier in the week, I’m feeling a little more neutral today. Not down, just not as high as I was. I haven’t blogged in a few days. It hasn’t been for lack of time or wanting to, but the words just aren’t coming easy. I don’t really know how I feel and feelings are what I write about for the most part. My mind today is very noisy and I guess so are my surroundings (kids, dogs). Sometimes I can block it all out but today is the kind of day I really just crave silence and solitude.

Earlier I went to go do a little work in my office, but got distracted by the mess the kids had left all through the stairway, hallway, bathroom, their rooms!!! UGGGHHHH!!! So an hour after I went to do a little work, I hadn’t stepped foot into my office and was in a real ugly mood.

My husband came home from doing some work and we had pizza for lunch. Then I helped him take our first real tree down and out to the yard to get ready to go to the dump. Do you know that tree was still green and beautiful? I still believe it was a very special tree to go along with a most magical Christmas we had this year.

My son went back to work with my husband and my daughter has a friend over. So I’m not one less kid…it’s still chaotic and noisy here.

I have been extremely tired this weekend and I’m not sure why. I haven’t even stayed up late on either Friday or Saturday night like I usually do. Now that Christmas is over, I have no use for Winter or snow! I want Spring and sunshine to bring my energy back!

There have been words again this week between my husband and I that aren’t really anything new..but put me back closer to that negative place I get when I sit back and look at how unfulfilling my relationship with him is. The thing is I do love him and am afraid to be without him and yet deep down I feel that it is this negative relationship that holds me back from growing.

Uggghhh!! I wasn’t gonna go there…too late now..

I’ve been pondering thoughts about: