Reflections of the week so far

I’ve had a very good, positive week so far. I’ve been making wise food choices (90% of the time). Monday I did an aerobic video and yesterday I did a weight routine and push ups. I’m trying to stick to not eating past 7:00 and most nights it’s not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I’m also trying to not skip meals anymore. Today I missed lunch though but I’ll be back on track with 3 small meals tomorrow.

I had an observation yesterday and in my post observation today, my supervisor had all good things to say to me. It was such a great feeling. I continue to connect with more and more students each day. He called this time of year “Pay-off time” and I couldn’t agree more. In other words, since Sept. I have been building relationships with these kids and teaching them. It took a half of year, but I’m finally starting to see the results of my persistence not only in their achievement but also in their attitudes.

My Mom still thinks I should go to the surgery consult. She thinks that my weight is 90% of the reason for my depression. I really don’t agree that it’s that big of a role. It does play a role but not that much. If I had to list reasons for my depression in order of big affect to small, they would be:

1. Chemical (Nature- both my sister and my Mom suffer or have from depression and are on meds)
2. My marriage (I’ll leave this one as is for no, no need to explain)
3. My belief in myself (this is where weight would come into play along with self-esteem and other related garb)
4. My job as both teacher and parent (lacking the ability to be authoritative- Possibly caused by #3)

Thoughts for the morning

It’s Saturday morning and I had the pleasure of waking up to an overdue credit card bill (lovely!). So I got up before 9:00 and paid as many bills as my pay check allowed and then brought Marissa to dance. I am looking around at a very dirty house and trying to get motivated to clean it (once again). I love a clean smelling house and I love the way it looks when it’s clean but man it really is such a “Groundhog Day” (the movie) experience. Seems every day I wake up to the same dirty house no matter how much cleaning I do. And the kids always want friends over on the weekends but I certainly don’t feel comfortable letting them have anyone over while their rooms and the rest of the house are disgusting.

Pauly (the small pug) got sick last night in my bed! Yuck! They’re just as bad as my kids (or worse)! Molly (the Boston)really needs a bath too. I didn’t bathe her when I bathed the pugs last and she is just not smelling good. I sometimes have a very sensitive sense of smell, especially when I’m due for my TOM. I think I’m due… I don’t really keep track and am pretty irregular anyway but I don’t have to worry about getting pregnant so I’m not really a “tracker”. However I have been getting a cyst-like sore every month at the time of my period and the sore has arrived.

Me and the kids went to my sister’s and had pizza last night with her before I brought Riss to Teen Town at the school. It was sooo foggy last night. I lucked out in the sense that my husband went to get her at 9:00 and I didn’t have to go back out.

I will be having two observations this week at school so I will be glad when they are over. I know that I don’t really have anything to get nervous about but it still does put a person on edge to have someone observing and critiquing your teaching, especially when I am not a self-confident person (as you all know).

I made an appointment for a consultation about weight loss surgery a few weeks ago and the appointment is Tuesday about 45 mins. away from my house. I’m having doubts about going now for a few reasons and I’m still not sure if I will cancel on Monday or bite the bullet and finish what I started. Obviously my original reasons for wanting to have the Lap-band surgery are that I really need to get my eating and weight under control for health reasons, self-esteem reasons, to be a better parent and a role model to my children and students.

But I really don’t want to take the day off from work when I am just starting to feel comfortable (on a roll) and I’ve already been out quite a few days. And I really don’t want to drive to this unknown town to find this medical facility by myself like I would need to do. Then I was talking to a girl who had the surgery and it got me thinking deeper. She had to be on a liquid diet for a month prior to the surgery and now it has been 3 months since her surgery and she still can’t have any bread, pasta, rice etc.  So I’m thinking to myself first off, if I had faith in myself to be able to go on a liquid diet for a month and then eat no carbs for the next 3-4 months, wouldn’t I lose the weight I needed to anyways? So why go through risky surgery, pain and loss of work time to put myself through the same thing?

I know I have to fix me! But is surgery the best choice and answer for now? Should I give myself another chance to conquer what’s “eating me” without going under a knife? I haven’t been perfect since the New Year but I definitely think I have been pretty good, much better than prior to the New Year. I have been trying to not skip meals (only once did I skip lunch this week). I’ve also been trying to not eat for at least 3 hours before bed since night time snacking has been a big issue with me for a long time. I think I may have broken this rule twice this week but certainly did not gorge myself like I once would have. I haven’t been able to bring myself to exercise yet though. I know this is the biggest step and will make the food part much easier but I just haven’t done it yet.

Does anyone has any book recommendations of the Self- help or diet type that really helped you?