if only the rain meant that the flowers were close behind

We have had sooo much rain this Winter. It’s another dreary, wet day. If only it meant that Spring was just around the corner! That would be awesome! But for a NY Winter we still have two more months with good possibilities of snow.

All that being said, the rain has not got me down today. The clouds are smiling at me and the rain isn’t made of tears. I had an awesome sleep last night and my day has been sweet. I was dreading meeting with my Mentor about the observation she did of me last week, because I’m always thinking the worst of myself.  But I couldn’t have been more wrong. She comes across as the “perfect teacher” and many new teachers are intimidated by her, but she had great things to say about me. I know many of you are going to say “I told you so” because you are all so kind and always say that you just “know” I’m a good teacher. For me though, I am always surprised to hear it. No matter how many people say it, I never get used to it. I always feel like “they’re going to find me out” and realize that I’ve been fooling people into thinking I was a good teacher all along.

So I thanked her so much and then I was mentioning what a cool feeling it was to be standing in the very building where I learned to speak Spanish from 9th to 12th grade. Unlike many Spanish teachers, I have no relatives who speak the language nor have I studied abroad.  I am truly a “product” of the school where I now teach and send my children (with of course my college studies). So she came up with a great idea and said I should be a guest speaker at the next Spanish Honor Society Meeting in March. She wants me to tell my story to inspire others. I’ll be very nervous but I’m excited about it as well. I’m going to have to think of a basic speech about what I’d like to say to them.

Ironic

Well another work day has come and gone. I slept rather good last night but am feeling rather blah today.

This morning I found out something pretty ironic. A while ago I wrote about how I felt my purpose at least at work for this year was being revealed to me. I wrote of one girl who had been picked on and bullied and who had also lost her sister in a car accident last year. This girl is the one who gave me a candle for Christmas. I never knew her last name until today when it came up in conversation. When I heard it, I couldn’t believe my ears. Her sister who was killed in a car accident was a student of mine from four years ago at another area school. I blogged about it last year when it happened and I really felt bad over it. I knew her not only through school but she also danced with the same dance company as my daughter. I can’t help but think that maybe this girl and I were supposed to meet.

Today I feel…

Today I feel like my purpose for this school year is being revealed to me. It just kind of all hit me today but it’s actually been happening gradually over the school year.

My favorite part of being a teacher is not necessarily teaching Spanish but being there as a mentor, advocate, adult who cares for my students who really need it. This is what I had been lacking earlier in the year. I really wasn’t feeling the connections like I was making a difference in lives or needed.

Before Christmas break when I attended a seminar on bullying, I met a student who was very shy and picked on and we were in some of the same groups during group activities. At the end of the seminar she was crying and I befriended her. I never imagined that I really made an impact on her, but every since that day she has made a point to come to my classroom before homeroom to say hello. She gave me a candle for Christmas. None of my students did (which is fine, don’t get me wrong) but how nice of her! I had only met her a week previous. Today she confided in me that this was her first Christmas without her sister. Her sister was killed in a car crash last year as a Senior.

Another girl had been out of school for quite a while and I knew that before the absence she had been pretty ill. Diabetes, anxiety, depression, been through a bad break up…just in bad shape. I saw her at a local restaurant this weekend and asked if she was going to be back to school. She said she wasn’t sure if she was staying but would be back this week. She told me she had been in a hospital North of here. I told her that I was really looking forward to seeing her. Her and I had a nice relationship since the beginning of the school year. She has a lot of trouble with the subject and used to come for help after class before I went to the Middle School. Today she came in class late and then while the students were making their shoes for 3 Kings Day , she came to chat with me. She really confided in me: her reasons for being hospitalized, her plans to be emancipated from her Dad because she can’t live with him, that she is staying in a hotel by herself at 15 that her Dad pays for but never comes home to, that she has 3 doctors appointments a week in 2 different towns that she has to walk to. She walks up to a hour and a half each way in the cold to go to her appointments. I talked to her about the importance of staying in school and commended her positive outlook and how hard she was fighting the fight. She really appreciated our talk and said she understood that her diploma would be her “ticket out of here”.

Another student tells me often that there is no or very little food at home, that they are barely getting by, that her Mom left the state again this year and is never around, that her Dad isn’t her real dad but it’s where she lives…She is another one that had been bullied this year and I put a stop to it (at least when I’m around). She’s extremely artistic and always doodling. Today she brought me in a paper folded and real casually said to me “just something I made in art class”. It’s a purple butterfly! How ironic is that!!

I know I’ve written of this before but purple butterflies and white roses are “my sign”. My Mom, sis and I all have the same white rose, butterfly tattoo meaning that for eternity we’ll be together and whenever we see the white rose or purple butterfly, we’re on the right path and everything is o.k.

I believe my purpose is being revealed.

glitter-graphics.com

Thoughts of a tired mom and teacher…

Saturdays are traditionally blog till you drop days for me! What can I say? blogging is my passion, hobby and addiction! So even on days when I may not know exactly what to write about, I will be here blabbering. This is the case today. I’m feeling like my life is probably pretty boring for others to read but blogs are for personal enjoyment and heck! I like to write and talk to myself about my life. Sometimes I’m my own best listener and it’s not until the words come typed or written from mind to computer screen or paper, that I realize what is going on inside of Gwen.

Today I’m thinking about dance, blogs, jobs and kids.

Yesterday on my other blog that I’ve had for almost 3 years I believe, I posted one video of my daughter’s dress rehearsal last night. There is this one elderly blogger that I know considers myself his friend but he usually has something negative to say when he stops by and also seems to get angry at me when I talk about my depression or negativity in any way. I try not to give it a second thought and dismiss it as “old people syndrome”. No offense, but a lot of elderly people are very chronically cranky and like to spread the misery. I learned this through my many years of retail, waitressing and just through life in general. But since I’m the type of gal who lets EVERYTHING get to her, it does bother me. Oh well! Anyways, yesterday he made a negative comment about my 11 year old daughter’s ballet clip, that they weren’t graceful! I mean come on, isn’t this a little like duhhhh!!! Ya don’t put down peoples’ kids. I mean I wasn’t signing her up for the NYC ballet. I was just showing a clip of her Christmas’ play dress rehearsal!

Next topic, I’m still thinking about the whole job/career question. Most of my blog friends’ responses have been the standard “You’re a good teacher. Give yourself more credit. Think of all the lives you touch.” To be honest with you, these responses make me feel worse and I know that is not your intention at all. I’m not really sure why this reaction either. Maybe it’s because I’m looking for the permission to give up on myself as being an effective teacher. Maybe it’s because I think you all can’t really possibly know that I’m a good teacher from my blogs. I do consider myself a good blogger LOLOL but not a good teacher. I mean I have a heart of gold, would give the shirt off my back to one of my students  and think of many of them like I would my own children- but that’s not an effective teacher. That’s a 1% piece of a big 100% puzzle.

Our friend Stu had lots of ideas similar to ones I’ve had in the past that I’m still not sure are real possible but I thank her for the thought she put into it and it is those ideas that have encouraged me to keep thinking, dreaming, exploring the possibilities of a life in which Gwen would be happier.

More thoughts- I want to be a bum all day since we have the recital tonight from about 5:45 to 9:30 door to door of our house when I can cuddle up with my dogs again and spend weekends the way they were meant to be enjoyed! But I look above me and see dirty ceiling fans, I look to the corner and see cobwebs, straight ahead their is dust and I know that this is only one room of our 9 room home! Yuck!

I guess that last paragraph sucked all my writing inspiration out of me because I’m empty for now. I’ll be back though. Threat or promise, however you look at it! :0)

glitter-graphics.com

What could I do? Part 1

In my mind I feel that I would love to not have to work, but financially and realistically- I need to work. It’s weird because I would’ve never thought of myself as someone who would not want to work. I was always very motivated and had my first job when I was fourteen. I started a bank account right away and by the time I was around seventeen I had saved enough to pay cash for a brand new car. I was pretty frugal I guess. I remember buying a standard because it was cheaper, even though I had never driven one before. In retrospect, it was a pretty effective way to learn LOL.  Anyways, I digress… I guess my desire “not to work” has mainly come about due to my worsening depression and becoming a Mom.

I think back and remember that I never minded going to work anywhere but school. Yes some days I come home feeling great but most days, the students behavior makes me feel completely inadequate. I’ve never dreaded going to work the way I some days do every since I began teaching six years ago. For one reason I suppose is that it is the first job that I couldn’t/ wouldn’t just up and quit because I disliked it or it was hard. Afterall I’ve spent 6 plus years in college and spend tons on tuition, housing and books. Plus you can’t shirk out on your responsiblilities, especially when your “customers” and your “product” are people. And if you leave somewhere in the middle of the year, you can pretty much kiss the idea of ever trying this career again goodbye!

My family and friends (and myself I suppose) keep saying that it will get easier. Perhaps I can see the improvement over my 5 or 6 years teaching but it’s just not enough improvement to make me want to get out of bed every day and go in to inspire the minds of young adults eager to learn (LOL…yes I think I started seriously but the sarcasm just snuck in). I don’t think I’m good at it even though I really am trying my best at all times. Sometimes my depression gets in the way and sometimes it is just hard to be good at all things I do. A woman especially I think, tends to spread herself to thin.. I have a majore character flaw that is not good for the teaching profession. I’m a real push over. I honestly do not try to be. No matter how hard I try, how many books I read, how many times I tell myself that I will not stand for being disrespected- the kids see right through it and know that my bark is worse than my bite.  I could go on with a million reasons but it all comes down to me feeling like I’m ripping off the students and I feel like I NEED a job that I can be passionate about. Like the saying goes (someting like this) “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life!”

But what could I do? What do I love, believe in or have passion for? And lastly Could I make a living doing it?

Things I love:

Dogs: Hmmm…Well I’m not up for going back to school to be a vet nor could I stand watching them suffer. I think I’d love to do what my sister does but unfortunately I couldn’t live on $10/ hour.  I don’t think there is much I could do that would make me able to care for my family.

Writing: If only blogging was a real job option! That would be a dream job! You know, sometimes I really envy all of you who can blog from work. I remember when I was at SUNY Potsdam studying Spanish that both my English and Spanish teachers had told me that I had potential as a journalist. I thought that was nice of them to say but I had chosen Spanish as my path. Now I wish I would have asked more questions about options in this field. Every time one of my friends or relatives needs a good persuasive or business letter written, they come to me. I guess some people think I have a knack for words and it’s something I definitely enjoy. Once again though, I don’t think it’s something I could make money at but I would love to be proved wrong. I don’t think a book is my thing. I’d love to do articles, blogs or other short pieces though.

How sad…I’m out of passions already! This is honestly all that comes to mind. Now I’ll go to things I’ve enjoyed doing in the past.

Medical Reception/ Insurance Referrals:  I’m not exactly sure what I liked about this job but I know I enjoyed  both jobs I had in this field and only left one to go to another for more money. I remember when I was little, I always pictured myself working in an office.  I liked that I could dress up, talk to people but still have my own little space/desk and I had a lot of fun with my coworkers.

O.k. I’ll keep thinking and have a part two about this eventually. I need to figure out how to be happy, feel good about the job I do and feel appreciated. But at the same time, I have to build a stable future for my family.